Torrential downpour

I've neglected this blog for much too long and it's time to return. Life has been one grand journey after another these past six months. I've been lower than I've ever been before. I've been in the darkest place I've ever been and now....now...I emerged and changed entity. Changed in a way that I have become myself again. Strange how that happens, but I am so much the better for it. I've started writing again, also. I hope you enjoy.



eerie


there is smoke in the air-

it's thick and tangible

and it drops slowly down upon everything

leaving it all blurred in a gray dust



it's a eerie kind of beauty that i see

the sky is full of color...

slashes of magenta, orange and red

as light fights to reach the ground



Amazed...yes, that's what I am,

at how destruction can be so glorious-

renewing...so beautifully painful

and so painfully beautiful



Eerie

that's what it is

as I watch the day

dip erotically into night


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



MADNESS OF MIDNIGHT


I made it home

just before sunset

and the smell of tangerines

and roses hit my senses.



It felt good to run...

just run to no place,

or no one,

in particular



Restless energy,

yes, that's what it was

and it subsided,

but only a bit



I was happily exhausted

as the heat

stole my breath and pushed

me to the pillows on the bed



until the madness of midnight came

and stole my rest away

an traded them for tear stains

on the pillowcase

When "Happy" makes you sad.

this song is very close to my heart and very special to a dear friend of mine. The words are so beautiful and I'm making myself a complete mess. Sometimes, there are times where even the smallest of joys can bring you to tears. This is one of those times. I'm so very tired.... Anyway, enjoy the song and the video.

Saturday afternoon....August 18, 2007

SUNSET BEACH
My parents came over yesterday and the kids and I were supposed to go with them to a church event in Seal Beach at the Naval Weapons Armory Beach. We got to the base entrance and the guard directed us to another entry gate off of PCH. So, off we went following the directions he gave us. I was driving so I had to pay attention. lol...kind of hard for me lately. The funny thing is, when we called one of the other church memembers to find out WHERE exactly it was, they said it wasn't yesterday. It's supposed to be on a different day! That means the bulletin that the church printed and distributed to the entire congregation was WRONG!! OMG...lol...So, we just decided to go to the beach anyway, since we were already there.

My dad was starving!! lol We were expecting to pig out on filipino food! But, since there wasn't any to be found, we stopped by Harry's Grill and had the slamminest burgers and fries. We ate on the patio upstairs and just enjoyed the breeze and the view. Rich is now determind to have something like that deck when he buys his house. I don't blame him! It was perfect out there.

So, after our REALLY late lunch, we went to the beach...that is after we circled the parking area three times before we found someone leaving! It was packed yesterday....but not as bad as Laguna or Corona Del Mar. We broke out the cooler with our drinks and snacks, beach blanket, towels...etc and headed out to the shore. I could have stayed there until the sunset. I'm going to have to do that again. I haven't seen the sun set at a beach in forever!! Yeah, anyway, we all just kind of hung out enjoying the sun, the sea breeze and the sand. Anyway, it was a pretty good day.

too damn tired

feeling blue....anybody got an airplane I can borrow???
how is it one can feel so utterly and completely loved and be so unbelievablely sad a the same time? That is just the norm for me lately. These highs and lows are kicking my ass and I have no way to control them. I know I'm supposed to go through them. Yes, I am a stronger person, but I want someone to lean on. I hate being the only dependable one around.

I need to lean on someone for support. I need...I need...money so I won't NEED anyone. Fuck.

taking a break from cleaning

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

this is so me...

Your Superpower Should Be Manipulating Electricity

You're highly reactive, energetic, and super charged. If the occasion calls for it, you can go from 0 to 60 in a split second. But you don't harness your energy unless you truly need to. And because of this, people are often surprised by what you are capable of. Why you would be a good superhero: You have the stamina to fight enemies for days Your biggest problem as a superhero: As with your normal life, people would continue to underestimate you

What Should Your Superpower Be?

trying to let go

There are times when I just want to tell the world to let me off. Everything around me keeps moving and I seem to slow even futher than I'd already been going before. Don't get me wrong, I know good things are coming, but, in the meantime, I feel hurt...used...old and run down. I try not to present that to the world so much 'cause it just doesn't do me any good. At the same time, though, playing happy-happy wears thin. I flunked out of my last classes. I got sick and so far behind I just couldn't do it. Not good. What did I do to myself? If it wasn't for all the bills stacking up all around me I'd be fine. I hate barely scraping by. Hell...I'm not scraping by. I can't pay my fucking bills. I haven't even had the energy to write anything substantial. I NEED A VACATION SO BAD!! But, who the hell am I kidding? At the rate I'm going, I'll never have another vacation for the rest of my life..





I need you

I just want to hold on

let me lean into you

everything is so wrong



you're the only thing

I have going

You're what keeps me

hanging on



I need you



I need you to lean on



surround me

please don't let me go

let me cry in the circle of your arms

until my tears run dry



just once

let me stay

let me lie here beside you

until the monsters go away



the distance

I want you here now

to tell me everything is fine

even if you don't know how



I'll believe you

because the words came

from your lips



please


just for a little while

let me stand beneath

the shadow

of forever.


*sigh* On the upside...my friend is visiting from Virginia the end of the month and so is my oldest son. That will be wonderful...not to mention my muse will be here for a month. Thank God for small mercies... I just want to be held.

What Kind of Panties Are You?

You Are Lacy Panties

You're one seductive chica, but you've also got a ton of class. You are like a pinup girl, with timeless beauty and sexiness. Men are afraid to talk to you, knowing they'll be addicted to your charm immediately. Only a true manly man, confident in himself, is your perfect match.

What Kind of Panties Are You?

lol...I'm bored, okay?!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

Your Passion is Red!

You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination. You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks! With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new. You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

What planet should I rule...this is kinda true :-)

You Should Rule Jupiter

Huge and hot, Jupiter is a quickly turning planet with short days and intense gravity. You are perfect to rule Jupiter, because you are both dominant and kind. You have great strength and confidence, but you never abuse your power. You are always right. Even if you make mistakes, you compensate for them... before anyone knows it. Headstrong and ambitious, you always have a goal in mind. You are optimistic and believe thing things will always work out.

What Planet Should You Rule?

Am I an "It Girl"....supposedly

You Are an "It Girl"

You're outgoing, friendly, and charismatic. You are aware of your image, and you are constantly improving yourself. You're definitely the type of girl people love to be around!

Are You An "It Girl"?

Love's Pagan Embrace

The morning came too quickly

Once again
I’d been dreaming of you
all night long so, somehow
when you called, I wasn’t surprised

You knew I’d been thinking of you

You have a funny way
of making yourself known
just when I need you…so strange,
but I’m not complaining

It’s an electrical pulse that keeps us
connected

You are a million tiny tremors
that rocket through my body
every time we touch and clutch
the way we do in midst of heat

It’s so hard to wait for next time

I want to call out your name
While we’re wrapped around each other
in loves pagan embrace…
Until then, my dreams will have to do.

a letter to love

Hi,

I know it's been a short time, but I can't help but feel like I've been forgotten. I know that it isn't so. You reveled so many different things to me, things you'd never said before, and in front of your life long friends-people you trust. Somehow, that night, you wedged yourself further into my heart. If you only knew how much I believe in you and how I'd give you my last living breath if it meant you would survive to remember me. I know I won't be hearing from you for a while. It's the norm...one that I've lived with for a while...but I still can't help but think about the word forever.

I'm yours. You know that. You're mine, even if you still can't voice the promise. But, you don't have to. You've proven it so many times. You keep coming back-falling into me for my strength-because you know I've never left. I AM the only one that has ever been there and accepted you for what and who you are. My strength and faith has become your strength and faith, I know this.

Would I let you take care of me? YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES! And, I would take care of you. Let go and let me in. I'll save you like you've saved me over and over again. Each and every breath we shared with each kiss was like being reborn. You said I taught you so much about yourself. I was just being myself with you. You've taught me something as well. You taught me how to believe in myself again. You have no idea how much I love and thank you for that. I will spend the rest of my life telling you, showing you, when it's time. Thank you for letting me be me.

My promise to you has always been true. I'd never leave. To disappear, to never see you again, would be like throwing my heart into a funeral pyre. I can't do it. I am incapable. You asked me for a son...(yes, love, I would give you one). I know you haven't forgotten...I don't think your friends will let you forget either. Hearing husband and wife come from their lips about us was strange yet felt entirely right. Soon...*sigh*...I just wish you weren't so far away. It's not time, I know. I know. Forever is a wonderful word...

oh hell

everytime I think I'm moving forward and I'll be okay, reality comes crashing down around me and I remember my history of 21 years. Why won't it just fucking go away? I just want to be able to let go and be completely happy again. Even knowing that I am loved just doesn't take all the pain away...at least not yet. I guess it's because I don't have that someone to lean on. I need that pillar of strength right now. Just for a little bit. Please Lord...help me. Strengthen me...

I have to get out of this house for a little while. I can't stay here. I've been alone all day and it was fine for a little while. It isn't anymore. Pray for my renewed strength, please....

rollercoaster ride

*sigh* oh, how my heart skips a beat

I'm spinning, turning upside-down

on this rollercoaster world



love can do such funny things



I'm dizzy....oh, so dizzy

but I don't want to jump off



My fingers are tired

I cling so tightly

but they're locked into place



you cling just as tightly



We spoke of love

even spoke of forever

but there was never any time



Now...time is all we have

eternity sounds beautiful with you



the dragonflies are dancing again

they've filled my belly

like the flutters of a growning child



your child......our boy



come home and we will spin

away together on this rollercoaster ride

called love




*It's amazing what one can learn in such a short time. I got back from Atlanta last Tuesday. My muse visited me....drove all the way up from Miami to spend some time. We spoke of things we'd spoken of before and so much more. How is it my world can be turned so upsidedown then suddenly right itself so quickly. I'd always known love. I'd always known passion, but this....this is what I could have imagined and so much more. He's always held a special place in my heart and I have my place in his, but I didn't know just how large as space I'd occupied until last Saturday. I have and feel so much love and all of it was given back to me on that night. Love...the future...forever...it was spoken clearly and with witnesses...*sigh*....How I wish I could have taken his offer to stay...to go back with him...but, the time is not right....not just yet. I suppose we have to wait just a little longer. How I wish I could share how many times the words "I love you" were spoken in just 10 minutes. My heart was broken and rebuilt a thousand times in just one night. And...if I had to...I would breathe my very last breath into him so that he might live and know I loved him that much.*

To my muse...we wished for and waited...our time is almost here. That shining star...our little man...will be with us when it's time. Remember...we are as one...

celebrity look-alike

just got back

I was in Dallas for two weeks for a tradeshow. The set-up was so much fun, but the hours were grueling. We did 10-12 hour days, but the results were spectacular. I had a blast with the gang and had a bit of drama as well, but nothing I couldn't handle. I got my drink and dance on too. It was so much fun, but I am tired. I'm trying to wind down. It's a normal work day tomorrow. I'll be home for a week, then I go to Atlanta for another showroom set up. This stint will only be for 5 days though. I wish I was going to Chicago. I think I'll be going to New York, though. I'm not quite sure yet. Anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I'm alive. I've actually been able to write a few things too. I don't know how I found the time, but I did AND I did homework. I AM WIPED OUT!! Anyway...night everyone!

Waiting for the sleep to kick in

omg...I'm soooo tired, but my brain refuses to cease!!! ugh...I have way too much going on, but if I slowed down too much, I'm afraid I'd go crazy. I suppose it's to be expected with all the changes going on in my life, but I sure wish it would stop some time soon. At times, I feel absolutely on top of the world then literally 30 seconds later, my sobbing my lungs out. This is totally NOT a rollercoaster ride I enjoy. But, I always go back and think it could be worse.

I need to start working on that painting I was commissioned to do. Gotta wait for payday to get the canvases, though. They're pretty big pieces! Can't wait to see them when they're finished. *sigh* I better get to bed. I have a lot of prep time ahead of me before my trip to Dallas for two weeks. Gosh, I'm going to miss my kids. It must be done, though. Good night all

new....

everyone check out www.promiseoflight.org when you get a chance. I submitted a new piece to James and it should be up soon. Try it. You'll like it :-)

TONIGHT!!!

THE TOMKAT LOUNGE IN BUENA PARK. I'M GONNA GET MY KARAOKE ON! I'M SOOOO GONNA OWN THAT BAR! LOL HOPING FOR A KICK-ASS WEEKEND FOR EVERYONE!! *SMOOCHES* GOD BLESS!

one more thing

I forgot to share this bad-ass commercial that my son, John, did. Yes, this is all JOHN. Check it out!

lost my mind

they say a picture says a thousand words. what do you hear when you see these?

The damn broke...

I've been writing insanely and almost manic to a point. (Okay...maybe I am just a little, but no doctor has to tell me that! lol)

Here's what's been going through my mind. So much to tell, not enough time to tell it.


safety
Current mood: wishing for relief


I can barely see it.

If I squint really hard,

I can make out an outline of...of...

something far beyond my reach



I used to know what that was



It beacons me

this thing that's almost shapeless

but, I KNOW what it is

I can sense it



safety comes to mind



It's been so long

(not really)

that I feel out of control

It's the money talking again



SHUT THE HELL UP!



I hate that I need it

but the world revolves coz

money don't grow on trees

it's made of blood and tears



a lot of them mine,

but who's counting?

That's why I bust my ass

and what is there to show?



A busted nose and skinned knees

and a timeworn face

with honest, lonely eyes





You know, when I started writing this, I had a really romantic image in my head. You know, two people wrapped in a circle of safety within each others arms. That was the image I was trying to build on. I know I'm tired, but I didn't realize how much. I feel so retarded. I've gone into my class to work on my assignment three times this week and have just been so unsuccessful. Perhaps it's the lack of motivation and the overwhelming sense to run and hide is getting to me. So much on my mind...no...TOO much on my mind. I should have been asleep too, but I can't shut the thoughts off. Ah, well...look at all the writing I've done. I'm finally able to purge creatively again.

On another note, it looks like I'm going to be commissioned to do an art piece for a friend. I'm rather excited about that fact. It will bring in a much needed cash flow. I so need it.

I got my flight itinerary today. It's going to be interesting and tiring, everyone says, but I can't wait. I have to work on a special project tomorrow at work. I'm going to try and close my eyes now. Good night, everyone. God bless you all. Please pray for me and my family. We can use all the blessings.

Until tomorrow...




10:46 PM


within
Current mood: inspired
Category: inspired Writing and Poetry


A PUZZLE WITHIN A MAZE

WHISPERS BEHIND THE CURTAIN

LIPS TO FINGERTIPS

SECRETS ARE UNFOLDING




WHAT DO THEY SEE

AS THEY STARE INTO CLOUDS

LIGHTNING OR THE PROMISE

OF RAIN...




THE RHYMER KNOWS THE ANSWER

HE IS THE ONE WHO LISTENS

BEYOND THE CRASHING OF THUNDER

HE HEARS THE FLUTTER OF DRAGONFLY

WINGS







Thank you to a very special friend. I was challenged and inspired



Wednesday, May 23, 2007

In Coming
Current mood: hopeful
Category: hopeful Writing and Poetry


I'd thought that lifetime meant forever-

it's just a breath of a millenium
in the blink of Gods eye

so slow in coming
yet so easily left behind

I've been buried in the sand

locked in an amber chamber
of should-have-done
a fossilized dream,
I crumble when exposed

self awareness is overrated
true love-an illusion

in the darkness of "I wish" secrets hide
slither-hither round the throat
in coming, I fight

Yet, moonlight whispers soft
and finds I am the platinum lining
in that blue gray cloud
that was trapped in his hand



9:47 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos



Told ya I've been writing a lot!

bleck....

how can moods change so much from one day to the next. I hate this damn rollercoaster ride that I am on. LET ME THE HELL OFF, PLEASE!


Vesuvius/I Rage


Volcanic-I rage like Vesuvius

My passions are great

even for promises

that are not mine to keep



It should go without saying

but words must be spoken



Of lava, I am the one

that burns.



Disappointment scorches

peels flesh from bone-

I don't believe

there will be understanding



So I will smolder

until the air has gone

and I have been

snuffed out.

MOVING FORWARD!

So, I start school on Monday already!!! I am soooooo not ready, but I'm doing it anyway. *deep breath* Keep me in your prayers, everyone!!! I need it. School and traveling for work...wow...what have I gotten myself into?! lol

NOTHING BUT GOOD THINGS COMING MY WAY!!!

another crosspost

of wicker baskets and hope.


Current mood: :-)




twisted and tied

entwined and encircled

by joys and of heartaches

my self, I define



the past and the present

a constant reminder

of who I am

and who I shall become



I've held much-

will hold much more

like wicker baskets

and hope...

a thought on Mother's Day/crosspost

My babies....knowing I did something right on Mother's Day
Current mood: tearfully blessed
Category: tearfully blessed Life


This year, so far has been especially hard. Having a 21 year partnership crumble in your hads is just not something anyone can easily deal with. He filed for divorce a week and a half after our anniversary. Ironic that we were married on Valentine's Day only for it to end right after. We stayed together for all the right reasons and we ended it for all the same right reasons.

Easter was rough, but I still made it a point to buy my babies a treat for their nonexistant basket. It was the first year I didn't make them anything and I felt like shit, but I made an effort because I am their mother and it wouldn't have been right. Telling the family was especially hard. My rlationship with everyone I held dear will never be the same. My "sisters" are lost to me. They're just sibblings to my soon-to-be ex and it kills me inside that I had to lose that. But, why I expected different just astounds me. I guess I was hoping they'd react more like me? Wishful thinking on my part yet again.

This Mother's Day was so hard. I had to play happy-happy when inwardly I was dying a painfully slow death. There were so many things my children said to me that were both so painfully true and so supportive at the same time. They have always been my strength. I have always been their greatest supports. On that day they showed me all the love and support I'd given was truly being returned. Mike treated me, Rich and Rose to brunch. Rose said something only a 14 year old could say because she is wise beyond her years, and Rich held me up with his silent strength. John could not be with us, but he made sure that I knew he was thinking about me. He sent me a text saying that he loved me and called later in the day. I am so very proud of my children. Even as I cry through this pain and trumoil, separated from the one I thought I'd grow old with, I am still strong. THEY ARE MY STRENGTH AND I AM BLESSED. Thank you, God, for showing that to me on Mother's Day

*sigh*

I guess perfection just wasn't in the mix
time to move out of the electric chair
for a shocker somewhere else???

What the hell is dating anyway?

I'm afraid to find out
I used to be so fearless.

Getting burned can do that
to a person

Crawl, then walk then run, I guess
But who will catch me when I fall?

Cross post from myspace/consumed

busted a mutha*****ng rant
Current mood: bitter remains


I'm just a child of nature-

a kind a loving killer of my worth

love everything till nothing's left

for myself still dangling...



Stupid ass shit hanging over my head

not able to let go

consequences out of my control

still I roll...onward...forward

off the edge of a cliff

I fall



Broke like a fuckin' egg, I did

spilled my soul

all over the jagged rocks below

and you laughed as I tumbled

and spit on my remains



Don't smile at me



Just......

disappear






I am consumed by the hatred of myself. Why can't I just freaking let go of the past. I get so pissed off that I can't just move on. I am in the middle of a divorce and, even though it isn't final, my husband of 21 years has so easily found a way to move so quickly away from me...from family, from us. I can't even begin to understand what the hell being single means. Our entire adult lives encompassed us and that's gone. I want it all to go away. Just fade to black and never to return. I wish I could just remember my children, their lives and nothing of him. Please God...help me forget. Death would have been easier to mourn....was easier....I lost two babies during my marriage and we never talked about it. It hurt so damn much knowing there should have been more babies to hold, to nurse and to nurture. Now, I know that they are the lucky ones. My children now suffer a loss that is named Divorce.

I CAN'T DO THIS. I HATE FEELING SO OUT OF CONTROL. EVERYTIME I THINK I'M TAKING STEPS FORWARD, I FALL FLAT ON MY BACK ABOUT A MILE FROM WHERE I BEGAN. I was so strong before. I'm not strong. I'm not...and I hurt. I just want to give up. Just once can I be weak?

broken

he sits on an electric chair

a deadman on his throne

he smiles through blackened, broken teeth

surrounded but alone

and as he shares epiphanies

the crowd just sits and stares

he's just a fool in an electric chair

and no one really cares



broken, broken, broken down

a deadman sitting on his throne

electrodes for a crown

and when he shares epiphanies

they all just sit and stare

'cause he's been broken, broken, broken down

and no one really cares



The angels tried to take him home before

he rasped a laugh and told them

they were crazy

for this is where he longed to stay

a king to many men today

but little did he know that was his chance to live



Now, he's just a fool in his electric chair

a deadman on his throne

he smiles through blackened, broken teeth

surrounded, but he's totally alone

He's been broken, broken

down

sick as a dog.

Remember when I mentioned change and how it tends to kick my ass? Well, I spent 2 1/2 hours in the emergency room in severe pain and uncontrollable shivers on Sunday. They blew a vein in my arm trying to put the I.V. in, but the spot that was inserted properly on my hand is more bruised than my arm!! They did a renal CT scan on me and did blood work, urine... the works. Anyway, after all that, they administered a really strong antibiotic. It turns out I have, not only a urninary tract infection, but I also have a kidney infection. They cave me ibuprofen 600 for pain and swelling, vicodeine for pain (coz I was IN PAIN!!) and the antibiotic cyprosil. So, needless to say, I didn't go into work yesterday after getting home after 1:00 a.m.! ogm...and it's only the second week of my new job! ugh.

So, one would think that after 24 hours of having an antibiotic in your system, one that was supposedly REALLY strong, and a day of rest, one would begin to feel better, right?? That's if one is normal. Apparently, I'm not. My fever came back, the chills nearly chattered my teeth right out the pain in my hands and knees brought me to tears and VOMITTING came into play! I ended up going to my own doctor again today, coz I new they missed something. Guess what that something was? You will not freaking believe me when I tell you, I guarantee it!!! You ready for it??............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I have freaking STREP THROAT ON TOP OF ALL THIS OTHER SHIT!!!! But at least my doctor got the antibiotic right. I've only taken on dose and I feel a difference already. Oh, yeah, and I failed to mention that the emergency room doctor didn't tell me I have two small kidney stones in my right kidney. wtf....that explains the pain shooting down my leg. Geez....I suppose if you gotta do something, you gotta do it right. DAMN STRAIGHT in my case. *sigh* keep me in your prayers.

pain

sometimes, like this moment, i wish I could sleep and never wake up from my dreams. I wish that the earth would stop revolving and the sun would never rise or set again. Sometimes I wish that I'd been born immuned to love, to happiness, to hope, to fear, to sadness. I wish I was cold and unfeeling or just plain shallow and uncaring. As much as I know that Juan and I are doing the right thing by letting each other go, it fucking hurts damnit. It hurts. Some people are lucky and they never know the feeling of their heart being ripped out of their chest and burned in a funeral pyre. I'm raw and exposed. I feel like I've been turned inside out and there is no one that can fix me.

FIX ME GOD. MAKE ME CAPABLE OF BEING HAPPY AND LOVING AGAIN. PLEASE....OH, PLEASE.....please....





if I could empty all my sorrows
into oceans
and swim within the streams
swathed in amber sunsets

if only I could scream my pain
and leave it all behind
I'd live again
assured and knowing that
I'd love

if I could separate the rainbow
from the sky
and scatter all the color
into pieces

I'd gladly tear the promise
into nothingness
so pain will let me go
and I could love again.

So much to update...here's the deal

this is what's been happening in my neck of the woods. MAKE IT STOP!! LOL I've been posting, but mostly on Myspace...I know, I know...bad Mary, but I'm making up for it. Here goes!



Saying good-bye


Tomorrow marks the last page in another chapter of my life. I'll be saying good-bye to some really wonderful people who became my extended family very quickly. Strange, really...it doesn't feel like a year and a half has passed. It happened so quickly, but definitely not quietly. Today was a day filled with drama at the workplace. All I can say is, "thank goodness I'm leaving"!! Geez. Too much drama going on all the way around. I'm very tired, yet I can't seem to close my eyes.

I'm closing another chapter in my personal life too. Packing and moving again, but, this time, into my own place. I' kind of scared, but at the same time, I know everything will be fine. I have so much to do and only three days to do it all. Ugh...my head is spinning just thinking about it. *sigh* I better get to bed. It's late and tomorrow IS my last day. I'm moving out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I have so much paperwork to do tomorrow. Ah, well...good night, all.





03 Apr 2007

halo

Current mood: feeling


my heart lies weary

worn and aching

so much time has passed

happiness and hurts

yet

I still refer to us as "we"

even if "we" are just

"you" or "me"



It looks like rain

as I stare at the great,

full moon

a misty haze that covers

all I see

a halo 'round her aura

perhaps

it's just a ring I see

behind my tears





the china cabinet
Current mood: changing....

she took the dishes out of the cabinet carefully, one by one. with each piece of the floral china she remembered dates, events and times that came and went with every piece she wrapped and placed into the box. there is so much history entangled within the delicate flowers of each plate; each bowl; each cup and saucer and, as she lifted the last set out of the cabinet, she remembered that a bowl was missing making the china just short of perfection, but what a perfect imperfection it was.....




29 Mar 2007

strange....
Current mood: damn good


My last day at Tall Mouse is April 5th. It happened so fast that my head is spinning. At least I get a 3 day weekend before I start my new job. DAMN!!! I can't wait for the new challenges that await me!! I'm a bit sad though, coz everyone at the store has been so wonderful and have just been so saddened that I'm leaving, but are happy for me at the same time. They have no clue how hard it was for me. They became my extended family...however, I AM MOVING FORWARD AND FEEL PRETTY FREAKIN' GOOD. Pray that this feeling stays long lasting.

Now....if I could just get back into my writing. Oh, yeah...one more thing...I'm going back to school. I'm bound and determind to get my BS in sales and marketing. I may as well do what I'm good at right?! I'm going to get my degree in finearts too. NO, I'm not crazy...just determind

things that I just couldn't say....

life sucks sometimes....I'm starting in new life in so many ways...we're going to move again. There is no choice since the hubby still hasn't been able to get a job just yet. It'll be two months since he was laid off. It's been rough, but, oddly, we've become closer, in a strange way...things are "different" now for us, in more ways than one, but he's a good man and we will be fine, together or apart...so weird...I just can't say anymore right now. I'm weary. But...it's all a part of the master plan....

The big pay-off...a crosspost

Oh, my blog.....I've been away too long. I have so much to say, so much to tell, but let me start with this wonderful little post :-)


The pay off....
Current mood: blessed


Well, like I said before, I got the job I wanted. It's amazing what prayer will do. The news spread like wildfire at work today. Goodness! Bad news travels fast!! But, I am happy and very relieved. This will bring in some much needed income and a sense of security. I'm going to miss my extended family there, but they all understand and it's not like I'm dropping off the face of the earth...just moving to another part of it

I'll be working for a great company that will challenge my brain as well as my creativity. I am now a Key Account Exec. *sigh* That has such a nice ring to it! One of my new duties will include traveling to trade shows (at least four times a year) floral design and merchandising. I'm looking at some long hours, but at least they were up front about it. FINALLY!!!! I get to use the many things I have trained for. I CAN'T WAIT!!! It's scarey at the same time, though, but challenges don't scare me. The only thing I'm afraid of is FAILURE. But, even that doesn't scare me much anymore. This is the right thing for me. I interviewed for this on Friday and they gave me the position yesterday! HOW'S THAT FOR BLESSED?!

Thank you, Lord, for new beginnings. I feel so.....filled....and not just coz I had a snack!

Good night, all....thanks again for all your positive vibes.

bored and unmotivated...

I thought this was funny...

You Are Elektra

There's really no superhero with more style than you.Because who could beat being sexy assasin ninja?

What Superhero Are You?

trials and tribulations

the past few weeks have been one hell of a ride. After Juan's lay-off, it's been an adjustment, to say the least. He's been job hunting now for almost two months. There are a LOT of jobs out there, but no one has really given him any leads as of yet. *sigh* I am known for being an optimist, but I am being really tested. I've been working on my resume and I can't freaking get motivated enough to finish the damn thing.

I'm going to take some much needed "me time" at the end of the week. I'm going to do some meditating/vegetating/nothing/everything for me/writing/sleeping and whatever else suits me time!! It sucks a little bit coz it's supposed to rain this coming weekend and I was hoping to sit at the beach. Oh, who knows....I'm crazy enough to sit in the middle of the rain anyway. It's gonna be a little cold, but at this point, I don't care. R&R...yeah...hopefully I'll come back recharged and ready to look for another job!!

Work has been so busy. I love my job. I am damn good at my job, but the company doesn't recognize the fact that I am the only manager of the four stores that increased their sales by almost 30K instead of losing that or more. I won't be getting my much needed raise because I am being lumped in with the rest of the managers as NOT taking care of business. So...how is it exactly I'm to stay motivated? I just don't know. My boss is aware of the situation and he backs me 100%. He was pretty ticked when he found out I was being placed in the same category as the other managers. It's good to know that someone recognizes your worth. Unfortunately, he can't do anything about it, coz it's coorporates decision. Well...it'll be a loss on both sides. I love my clients. They're wonderful and the trust one builds takes a long time coming. I am sad and hopeful at the same time. I figure all the bad shit has happened already, the rest of the year has GOT to get better.

I'm off to work on my resume

The cloud has been lifted...sort of

this is new...tell me what you think



if you wish it
1/31/07


in the darkest of eves
there is clarity....

I am a wraith
transparent and in limbo
shifting forms
from shadow to light

hear the whispers
in the droplets
of the sacred night

that fall upon the lids
of your resting eyes

feel me free-fall
into winter
as your lips taste the waters
of my nothing-but-everything

you shall see me

if you wish it....

PROMISE OF LIGHT

www.promisoflight.org

enlighten yourself.....

I've been neglecting my poor blog....

Actually, I've been really sick too, but I'm much better now. My writing has really suffered. I'm on complete overload and it sucks. There is so much that I should write about, but I can't...not just yet, anyway. So, what I will do is post a couple of things I've written. Enjoy...



Sentido
1/24/07

I've been away for much too long

there a cobwebs in the corners
of my mind

and, in so, I've been feeling guilty
for the passage of time

estoy sentido
simplemente, y lo siento

The floorboards creak as I walk
into this dusty, covered room

the candles are cold, deformed
puddles on a mantle
without a hearth

a heart without a home

los fotos en mi menteme escapa

there is no moon here

just echoes and the ashes
of a long-dead pyre

and I listen for the shuffle
of your feet and the tapping
of my heals

as when we danced
so long ago
in the back room

of my mind





*untitled*
1/30/07
it's just a pittance, really
I don't ask for much-

my hand nestled in yours
your heart bound to mine

I'd dance at your feet
and stare into your molten eyes
and you'd know...
you'd know

I'd never wanted much

I am but a firefly
within a jar-shining brightly

illuminating

the darkest recesses
of your troubled

soul

And, this is....revised

I tripped on roots
on life

They rose
and grasped my ankles
like a vice

I can't shake it

As I fell
a cloud of self-delusions
covered me

So blind, I am
to what is in my face

I cannot form the words

too deep,
the canyon grows

And, I, within a wished-for
drunken stupor,
lie drowning

in an oceanic world
I dare not call
my "own"

not an easy task

a crosspost from my "myspace" page

finally...a chance to write
Current mood: muddled


It's been a battle for the computer for the past few weeks...err, months, that is. It's a drag trying to use it when there are three students in the house. *sigh*

I'm out of practice. My mind is a muddled mess of...of....LIFE!!! I can't even begin to tell you how bent my thoughts are. Purging hasn't helped much. The urge to run away is great again. Sheesh...when will I learn? I'm in great need of some me time. Some time in February should be good, I think. I need to curl into myself and find that poetic voice again. It somehow got lost in the mish-mosh of trying to keep up with the earth's rotation or something or another.





I tripped on that root
called life
It rose from the ground
and grasped my ankle
like a vice
and I can't shake it

As I fell
a cloud of self-dillusions
covered me
So blind, I am
to what is in my face

I cannot form the words
too deep,
the canyon grows
And, I, within a wished-for
drunken stupor
lie drowning

in a world
I dare not call
my "own"


Well...that was not so pretty, but it's a start. This is freakin' pathetic! I can't concentrate long enough to tie my shoe let alone finish something worthwhile. Shit...someone kick me in the head already. At least then I'd have an excuse. Grr.....I'm going to try again.

January 7th!!

omg...how the hell did this happen so quickly? I have so much on my mind that I haven't been able to break any of it into words. It's a bit frustrating. Let me first tell you of my last week of '06. IT WAS HELL!! Hmm...I guess I can do this best by listing all that has happened

1. WORK WAS BUSY AS HELL-WORKED ON XMAS EVE
2. I HAD TO PAY ALMOST $300 FOR MIKE'S FIRST SEMESTER TUITION
3. FOUND OUT HUBBY'S BEING LAYED-OFF END OF THIS MONTH
4. FOUND OUT THAT OUR CAR INSURANCE IS GOING TO DOUBLE BECAUSE MIKE NOW DRIVES
5. CUT MYSELF AT WORK (WHICH REQUIRED A VISIT TO URGENT CARE, A 1 1/2 HOUR WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR-NO STITCHES, THANKFULLY,-AND...AND A TETANUS SHOT!!! (FREAKING SHOT HURT MORE THAN THE DAMN CUT!!)
6. SEVERE WRITERS BLOCK (HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING NEW IN ALMOST TWO MONTHS)
7. WENT TO 29CLUB AND CASINO IN PALM SPRINGS...DIDN'T WIN JACK!
8. BEEN GOING TO THE GYM EVERYOTHER DAY (heh-something positive)
9. FOUND OUT THAT MY ANNUAL REVIEW WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH BECAUSE I'M ONE OF THE "HIGHER" PAID MANAGERS. (SO, WHY THE FUCK DO I WORK SO DAMN HARD, EXACTLY?)MY RAISE IS NOW IN QUESTION....
10. FOUND OUT FROM DEAR JAMES THAT A FEW OF MY PIECES MADE IT INTO "FLOWERS AND VORTEXES" (thank you)


New List....
1. WORKED ON NEW YEARS DAY (AFTER STAYING UP TOO LATE AND HAVING WAAAAAAYY TOO MUCH TO DRINK) Can you say fish out of water? lol
2. JUST FOUND OUT THAT GETTING INSURANCE FOR THE FAMILY THROUGH MY COMPANY WILL BE RELIEVING ME OF MORE THAN A THIRD OF MY PAYCHECK EVERY TWO WEEKS!!! OMFG!
3. GOT THE WRIST RECHECKED...THANKFULLY, NO PERMANENT NERVE DAMAGE, BUT FOUND OUT I'D BRUISED MY BONE SO I'M GOING TO BE FEELING TENDERNESS IN THAT AREA ANYWHERE FROM 3-6 MONTHS (OH, JOY!)
4. STILL GOING TO THE GYM, BUT ONLY TILL VALENTINES DAY COZ 24 HOUR FITNESS ARE A BUNCH OF FATHEADS AND REFUSED TO LET MY HUBBY PAY THE FEES ON HIS OWN TERMS. STUPID ASSES LOST ALMOST TWO GRANDE! WHATEVER!
5. STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY REVIEW-MAY NEED TO START LOOKING INTO ANOTHER JOB
6. WORK IS STILL AS BUSY AS EVER(I know I'm doing something right, coz one of my regular customers came in yesterday and place a $400 order. Isn't the holiday season over already?)
7. OH!! I HAVE STREP THROAT.
8. I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO WRITE. *sigh* I have inclings, but nothing substantial yet. *tear*

KICK ME WHEN I'M FUCKING DOWN!!!



Ugh...maybe now that I've purged, I'll do better. I hate bitching. It does nothing for me, but make me feel ugly.

I'M GOING TO THE GYM!!!! I'll end this by saying all the shit happened already. THE REST OF THIS YEAR WILL BE MAGNIFICENT!!!!! (Right, Lord?) Yes....it will... :-)

sometimes

I wish I were not so much like the description below. Empathy can be so painful. *sigh*

I can't believe that we're already 5 days into 2007. I have so much to tell about the past 7 days. Wish I didn't have to go to work....be back later

God bless everyone. May this new year bring about wonderful changes for all.

....

You Are 2: The Helper

You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What Number Are You?

....

You Are 2: The Helper

You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What Number Are You?

Sometimes I wish this wasn't so. Empathy can hurt so much