Cross post from myspace/consumed

busted a mutha*****ng rant
Current mood: bitter remains


I'm just a child of nature-

a kind a loving killer of my worth

love everything till nothing's left

for myself still dangling...



Stupid ass shit hanging over my head

not able to let go

consequences out of my control

still I roll...onward...forward

off the edge of a cliff

I fall



Broke like a fuckin' egg, I did

spilled my soul

all over the jagged rocks below

and you laughed as I tumbled

and spit on my remains



Don't smile at me



Just......

disappear






I am consumed by the hatred of myself. Why can't I just freaking let go of the past. I get so pissed off that I can't just move on. I am in the middle of a divorce and, even though it isn't final, my husband of 21 years has so easily found a way to move so quickly away from me...from family, from us. I can't even begin to understand what the hell being single means. Our entire adult lives encompassed us and that's gone. I want it all to go away. Just fade to black and never to return. I wish I could just remember my children, their lives and nothing of him. Please God...help me forget. Death would have been easier to mourn....was easier....I lost two babies during my marriage and we never talked about it. It hurt so damn much knowing there should have been more babies to hold, to nurse and to nurture. Now, I know that they are the lucky ones. My children now suffer a loss that is named Divorce.

I CAN'T DO THIS. I HATE FEELING SO OUT OF CONTROL. EVERYTIME I THINK I'M TAKING STEPS FORWARD, I FALL FLAT ON MY BACK ABOUT A MILE FROM WHERE I BEGAN. I was so strong before. I'm not strong. I'm not...and I hurt. I just want to give up. Just once can I be weak?