Saturday, November 28, 2009

two sides to every coin

The holidays to so many, including me, brings back a longing and sense of nostalgia. Thanksgiving was really quiet for me. It was nice having dinner with my parents (it was just the three of us). Don't get me wrong, but I miss the boisterous insanity of large family gatherings with my kids, brothers, nephews and nieces. I suppose its just another way the Lord is giving me a chance to rest after giving so much for such a very long time. Still, I can't help but feel a little melancholy.

It was a tradition for me that Black Fridays were spent decorating the house for Christmas. I'd set out the Christmas table and it would be up for an entire MONTH dressed in its Christmas finery. I'd set out the crystal candlesticks and all my fine crystal vases all throughout the house along with a slew of candles that burned from morning into the late evenings. Everyone in the house was trained, including the cats! Nothing ever got broken. My kids were so good. I used to take them into antique stores at very early ages (3-7) and they never touched or ran around. It was so awesome that I could do that. *sigh* Anyway, I digress. The kids would help decorate the tree after all the lights were run through the branches and they had stopped the cats from attacking the base of the tree! Then Saturday was spent decorating the outside of the house. I used to paint xmas winter scenes in our very large windows. I wish I would have taken pictures of my windows. That's the one thing I didn't do, but I have lots of family pictures.

I guess a lot of things change when you go through a divorce and the kids grow up. Starting over is the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to make it and then I go back and remember that God is on my side and I am here for a purpose. In every situation I am placed there is a reason and a lesson and my faith is strengthening me and guiding me through this journey. But, if asked if I would do it all again...I would gladly receive the late night calls of a brand new baby, early morning cuddling with a soft little body curled up against me while being surrounded by the arms of the man I love. I would happily keep a house and bake cookies just because. I would gladly wake up after everyone else is asleep to fill the stockings by the fireplace on Christmas eve...yes, if asked, I would gladly and most fervently do it again.