a reading of naked summer storm

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Naked Summer Storm

Naked summer storm/Revised6-29-06


I watch the sun break through
the clouds in a burst of color
only to be bullied into hiding as
the thunder rumbles and stumbles closer

There’s a light show brewing
I can see the flashes jutting just beyond
the curves of the darkening sky

The angels are taking digitals

How they must laugh
as we scurry and scramble for shelter
as mist turns into spatters of rain

They must find it odd that I welcome
the downpour of a summer storm
I must be…...amusing

The flashes come faster and closer
as I laugh and dance in the warm June waters
till the clothing on my flesh becomes transparent

Funny…I don’t FEEL naked

But, I do feel the ground quake
as lightning flashes heralding the echoes of thunder

TIME CRUNCH

I'M WORKING LIKE A MADWOMAN GETTING EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR THE DAY...40 is a big turning point and I hope my hubby likes what I'm doing. Invitations are just about all addressed and are getting sent out today! *sigh* big relief there. Everyone already knows so, the invites are just a formality and a REMINDER. Um...what else...AAAHHHH!!! I have so much to do I can't think straight! I just wanted to give everyone a heads up. I am still alive :-) I feel like the walking dead, but I'm still here. I'll be back later

*sigh*

I tried to post something earlier, but blogger ate it :-( Sucks coz the last post was a little more "cheerful" I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed...

another crosspost from myspace

how...
Current mood: drained
Category: Life

how is it, in the midst of a crowd with all the merriment, that one can feel so alone..... Sadness can be so overwhelming. It can squeeze the air right out of your lungs leaving you gasping for the want of a breeze....inhale....exhale...inhale....exhale....and you hope, that, just for 10 seconds, the world would stop spinning so you can catch up only to stumble after you've picked your feet up again....*sigh*....life is funny that way....attachements suck.....ugh...I hurt, like my soul has been pressed between two planes of existence. I'm holding onto a rope and I want to let go, but will I land safely on my feet or come crashing down bloodied and broken? Sometimes....just sometimes, like now....I'd like to let go, just to find out.

what a week

another cross post from myspace

What a week!!
Current mood: grateful
Category: Blogging

Well, a new week has begun and all too quickly once again. It was really nice having John home even if it was only for a few days. He looks really good..stronger, healthy. I've been an emotional wreck for the past week or so, though. My apologies to those who I may have been hyper sensitive with and to . I promise to slow my roll...lol

So, Rich and Rose are in summer school. It looks like I don't get to sleep in for another 5 weeks. arrgh...I was hoping to be able to slow down a bit. Oh, and to top it off, I went to pick up Mike's diploma and he owes $70 to his school for a book he lost! Damn books are expensive and good ole mom has to foot the bill... Oh, well...I don't care. He graduated and that's the important thing.

Other than being overworked and overwhelmed this past week, there's been a lot of positive things happening...lots of learning, prayer, healing....I didn't know that my father-in-laws condition in mexico was so dire. He'd had laser surgery to correct his stomach problems and instead of curing him, it almost killed him. He has about a 7 inch scar on his abdomen where they had to open him up to drain the blood that was pooling in his stomach. If he hadn't come in for emergency surgery, the doctor said he would have been dead in four days. The power of prayer is amazing. My mom and dad are both ordaned (sp? sorry lazy to check) pastors and firm believers of healing through prayer. I, too, believe. Saturday evening, before everyone went home, we held a prayer circle for my f-i-l, my m-i-l, my husband, John and myself...the energy of positive goodness was so intense. You have to understand, my father-in-law is a devout catholic, but he's a pertetual pessimist. Something really good happened to my in-laws that night, especially to my father-in-law. I see hope in his eyes. It's so good to see that. Even better to FEEL it.

Oh, geez...so to get to philosophical. I told you I've been hyper emotional! I can't help it if I'm a bit of an empath. It's in my nature to nurture. If I get all mother-hen on you, let me know and I'll take a couple steps back! I'm gonna be good and get some writing done before I have to head out to work. Blessings everyone!

a cross post from my myspace blog

Humor, it can kill ya!!! LOL
Current mood: crazy
Category: Blogging

Ever laugh yourself into a headache? I did...Geez...all started of with a text I got today that had me laughing my ass off for the better part of the day. You know something's pretty damn funny if it makes you snort and belly laugh when YOU'RE ALONE!! I'm so glad no customers came around while I was giggling. They would have thought I was crazy!! Yeah....chocolate...omg...I can't stop...lol....hahahahahaha....*deep breath*...snicker...okay, okay....yeah, so um...


Let's start that again shall we?! lol I am so freaking tired tonight. Mike's graduation ceremony was wonderful. He looked so nice in his cap and gown. All smiles too!! We were one of the biggest and loudest groups there, as if that surprises me, and he was so happy to have us show support. Needless to say, I cried, like I knew I would, but that's what moms do.


geez...there so much more I want to say, but that freaking text keeps invading my sensibilities...AAAAHHHHHH!! I'M DAMAGED!

one of those songs

Okay, I promised to sing for you, so I have. You all are going to have to forgive the quality (phone recording) and the catches in my vocals. This song has a lot connected to it and in the middle of recording it, for the third and last time, I kinda got a little choked up. So...Erin, you got the giggles, I almost started crying. It's just one of those songs that, well, it's poetry...and it touches me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and I don't hurt your ears too much :-/

my voice

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In the silence

This is a repost...I think I like it better read out loud.

In the Silence/Shh…all is quiet(original title)
3-21-06
Current mood: satisfied


All is quiet....still

and, yet again, I am wide awake.

In the silence of the eve

my mind sings...soars....



Music plays and shadows dance

upon the walls of my beating heart



A little reminder

that I'm still breathing



With eyes closed I see him there-

an angelic aura around him

Hands clasped, head bowed

God hears his silent whispers.



"I am just a man...."

Is anyone listening?



I smile in answer,

arms outstretched for a warm embrace.



I hear you.



And, I am a woman with music

and words that flow swiftly

through her veins-

color and light in my vision

and I say...



"Hello, my friend. Would you care to dance?"

In the Silence

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messenger

out of the darkness and into the light he comes...
winged messenger in the guise of man...

look up...

look high..

look forward...

he descends upon the world...
pious man...
genuine man...a man who brings us news


for those of you who cannot/will not believe
run and cower-
his words will cut you down

warrior prince…spinner of words…
a man…

who is my friend

Grr...

If I have any more days like this, someone might get hurt!! lol I say that laughingly now, but, damn, if I didn't have a sense of humor, someone would be seriously injured...

I'm not even gonna get into it coz I'll just get thoroughly pissed off again. Besides, I already vented, so I'm not a danger to society...or a particular being...anymore. Oh, and I did a lot of deep meditational breathing so that took some of the edge off. That and the fact that I had to focus on a high school graduation helped too. I got home and my daughter asked me, "Mom. Did you cry?" I told her I almost did and you know what the little brat told me? lol..."It's coz you're weak". The turd...but I admitted that fact freely. I never once denied the fact that I cry at the drop of a hat, what more of a few hundred graduation caps!?

Anyway, the trials of today left me with much on my mind. Lot's of poetry brewing....

I wish I would have written everything down or recorded it. Now my thoughts are nothing but a garbled mess. *sigh* I suppose that's good. I'm not so angry anymore. Anger makes an ugly, old and unhealthy person. I refuse to succumb to that anytime EVER! I think I have to remove myself from the front of the screen...maybe that will clarify my thoughts.

Daisies-odeo recording

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Insomnia

whoa...I have about 4 poems floating around in my mind and they all want to come out at once. I tried to go to sleep about an hour and a half ago with now success. :-/ I don't like this one bit. At least the house is quiet even if my mind isn't.

*sigh* I've aged a lot these past couple of years...okay, moreso in the past 10 months. heh...enough time to have a baby, but I don't. The familiar pang of wanting another little one has been hitting me hard. Could it be that this nine month old who came in with his parents today wedged these feelings back into my heart? Not likely....I'm just one of those women who loved being pregnant...it was a form of unconditional nurturing and love on my part, I guess. But he was gorgeous and he had the most wonderful gummy smile and such a powerful aura of innocence. Talking to him and seeing him respond to me in such an enthiusiastic way...oh, man...I so wish I could get that back again. Everything seems to come with strings nowadays. He melted a few frozen shards that were embedded in my heart. I felt renewed. lol...I bet that sounds silly, huh? But, it's the plain and simple truth.

So, it's fathers day and I haven't gotten anything for my dad, husband or father-in-law. Technically, I'm supposed to be getting up early to buy last minute gifts. Hmmm....I wonder if this qualifies as early? *shakes head* Ugh...I know I'm tired. I had a really long day today. It's been a rough four weeks. Isn't it supposed to slow down when the summer rolls around?! Geez, I hope so, coz this pace is gonna kill me. Goodness. Now that I've whined enough for the day, I'm gonna try and so something productive, since I'm obviously NOT sleeping! Gonna hit my notebooks in hopes of completing something. Wish me luck ;-)

Concrete Jungle

Okay ya'll...this is what Erin started and I'm only following suit! lol Not bad for a first time, but I think I'm gonna rerecord it later. I think I'll be investing in a mic soon :-). Anyway, here we gooooo......



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Museless in So Cal-a crosspost from Moontown

So, I'd been a happy little writer for about a couple of months after having my writers block lifted. There was a sudden surge of creativity which, all of the sudden, has waned like that of the moon...ugh....I have some good pieces that need to be edited, but my brain refuses to function in any other way than lyrical or morbidly. I'm hoping that having lunch with my girlfriend Lori and having a couple of mimosas will put me in the right frame of mind. I guess I have a lot on my mind.


Rosie's home from school again today. She's missed three school days since last week because of uti and a kidney infection. She's been in a lot of pain and kinda feverish. She went to school yesterday, but overdid because she felt better. I even excused her from p.e. so she wouldn't push to much, but she forgot and spent too much time out. No matter what, she has to go in tomorrow to turn in all her books and clean out her locker. :-/ She's on antibiotics, so hopefully she'll feel better soon. Kidney infections suck. One almost killed me (literally) when I was 17. I was hospitalized for 5 days because of it. One of the most painful things I'd experienced NEXT to child birth....now I gotta watch out for my girl...At least I know what symptoms to look for....


With that, I shall say "until we meet again"....Gotta meet with Lori at 11. This should be interesting. SHE'S FREAKING HILARIOUS. I sent her a text asking if she wanted to go to MIMI'S CAFE for breakfast and mimosas. Her reply...."IS A DUCKS BUTT WATER TIGHT?!" LMAO!! Yeah...so I'll see ya!

from my myspace blog

to feel through someone elses eyes....
Current mood: calm
Category: Life

I have read such beautiful poetry today. If you all haven't been there yet, you really have to go to http://www.moontowncafe.com/ . It's such a wonderful community of writers. I'm always amazed a blessed by what I see. There is greatness there. It's amazing what a group of well placed, well written words can do for our soul. I hope that my writing does that for people.

There are more pieces in place on my private page in http://www.promiseoflight.org/ . Yes, I know I've written about it before, but I'm really proud of the pieces I've put into "Mary's Hideaway". There are little shards...bits and pieces, really...of my soul there. I guess in everything I do, there is a bit of me left behind, but it makes room to build and create so much more. My paintings, and drawings are wonderful...but words, spoken or written, *sigh*....they do so much for me....so much TO me. I can pour my sadness onto the barren pages and create a thing of beauty from my pain or calm when my emotions are uncontrollable. I can express my love there, when in my life, I have not the courage or the voice to speak them....I can show my weakness and be cut down or crushed by them yet am strengthened by their release. These scribblings...these paintings in roman letters....these words...."words" are my miracle cure

Well...I won't be doing THAT again!

Thank you, Kristi, for this great big tidbit of information!!!



Quote:"By displaying or publishing ("posting") any Content, messages,text, files, images, photos, video, sounds, profiles, works ofauthorship, or any other materials (collectively, "Content") on orthrough the Services, you hereby grant to MySpace.com, a non-exclusive, fully-paid and royalty-free, worldwide license (withthe right to sublicense through unlimited levels of sublicensees)to use, copy, modify, adapt, translate, publicly perform, publiclydisplay, store, reproduce, transmit, and distribute such Contenton and through the Services. This license will terminate at thetime you remove such Content from the Services. Notwithstandingthe foregoing, a back-up or residual copy of the Content posted byyou may remain on the MySpace.com servers after you have removedthe Content from the Services, and MySpace.com retains the rightsto those copies."



So...I won't be sharing my poetry there anymore. If anyone wants to read "me" they can come to my blog or www.moontowncafe.com or sign up to read my private page "Mary's Hideaway" at www.promiseoflight.org . There ya go! Kinda sucks how the site can use you like that, but, hey...it is a free service and you gotta make your money somehow...even if it is a little underhanded...


Um...so in other news...things have been alright. I worked two closing shifts in a row and that really sucked. It sucked so bad that I am now STILL awake when my ass should be in bed. Grr...I'm a little on the overloaded side. I am on an emotional danger level warning...lol...it still amazes me how I can remain so composed in front of people when all I want to do is kick and scream and throw a major tantrum!!! It's not so much what's happening to me, per say...the ick in the weather the past few days hasn't helped and the coming of the full moon.....oh, lord, help me. I feel weary...got lots of things on my mind...LOTS!! Being "tethered" to people beyond a physical level can be so exhausting.*sigh* Speaking of exhausting, I'm beat. The past two days kicked my ass and I feel it right down to the tips of my eyelashes. I'm tellin' ya! Even my hair hurts! Seriously! Ugh...I'm gonna make some tea and take some ibuprofen. Nighty-night, all

"If I could just close my eyes...."

These words keep replaying in my head...I wanna hear that song again....it's a piece that my friend, Kreace did. It's kind of haunting. I told him that it put me in a really good place when I heard it...waiting to hear it again. His mixtape is due out this summer...can't wait to get it. Maybe he'll autograph it for me ;-)

Yes, you read this right, my friend...have one ready for me! And it better come with a great big monkey hug too!! Bear hugs aren't allowed! LOL

Anyway, enough with the silliness. I just had to write this down because....because....I had to....now if I could just close my eyes and see what I NEED to see like words flowing onto paper, I'd be pretty happy....I think I need to go to the gym to get my creative juices flowing...or maybe fold some "towels"...or drink a couple of Mimosas. Mmmhmmm....lol Damn! I need a life! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Until then, there is always my imagination.

Gonna go now :-D This was a bunch of nothing, but I feel oddly satisfied. Better than last night, that's for sure. LATER!!

Life and it's ironies....

I was reminded by my mom today that they were supposed to be in the Philippines for a funeral. *sigh* The past week has been a rough one both mentally and physically...let me back up about 4 week so you all can understand what I'm talking about.

I got a phone call from my mom telling me that one of my uncles, Uncle Allen was really sick. He'd been in and out of the hospital for a few weeks, going through dialysis at least 4 times a week because his kidneys were failing. Anyway, he wasn't doing very well and he really wanted my parents to come and visit. He was under the impression that he was on his last leg of the journey and he really wanted them to be there. My mom and uncle were really close. Anyway, a few days later my mom calls again and tells me that my Uncle Ariel (Uncle Allen's twin) is coming back to the Philippines from Japan to give one of his kidneys to his brother. So we were all pretty relieved after hearing that news. My parents were to go back home when my uncles' surgery was scheduled. Here's where the twist comes in. My mom called me last Sunday as we're heading to church and tells me that my Uncle ARIEL passed away. At first I was confused and I thought it was my uncle with the kidney problems, but nooo...my mom cleared up the confusion and said that my Uncle Ariel (the healthy one) died in the hospital of pneumonia!! OMG! I guess I wasn't the only one that was confused. Everyone kept calling and sending their condolences about my Uncle Allen. He had to keep telling everyone, "No. I'm still here. It was my brother!" To make things worse, they couldn't harvest the kidney because the infection spread to all his organs making the donor organ unacceptable. So, now he's in a worse situation. He's lost a brother and is now back on the list of folks waiting for a kidney donor.

They were both so excited to be seeing my parents before all this happened . They kept asking about me and my brother and my mom told them about my kids and Jaime's kids and how she was going to bring a ton of pictures to show them while they were recovering...oh, God...this is hard to write. My uncle was only nine years older that I am. What the fuck am I doing here? I want to go to the Philippines so bad. I want to see my family and visit my grandma....she's gonna be 89 this year. There's a big family reunion scheduled for the end of July and I can't go. There's no way that we could possibly even think of going at $1100.00 a pop per person for my family of 5. Oh, and did I mention even if I attempted to go, I may not have a job when I came back? So many wonderful things are going for me right now but, on the flip-side, this....*sigh*....this is when I could just scream until I had no voice...or sing until I had no voice.....either way it would be therapeutic...ah and did I mention the fact that I'm feeling lost while in the middle of all this?! I suppose it's a good thing that I am working. I can keep my mind on something else for the meantime.....Pray for me and for my family.....there's a lot more going on, but I don't have enough time tonight to write about it.

The need to write

Blogger is acting funny. I edited the poem 5 times and it wouldn't let me break it up into stanzas again...ah, well. That's the story of my life today. At least I got a lot of work done at the store today. I actually had a full crew, if you can count all three of us in at the same time as a full crew. One may as well not be there, or I may as well not be. She acts as if I'm invisible anyway, but oh well...my feelings aren't hurt. Karma will take care of it and I won't have to do a thing....

Anyway, enough of that. I've been writing insanely for Promise of Light. I've got a boatload of stuff to send James, but I've been revising everything at least three to four times first. Nothing but the best is expected and I know James'll let me have it if I'm not working up to par. Lots of stuff on my mind, weighing me down filling me with emotions that are a bit out of control. It's terrible, but writing has helped immensely and I have been getting a lot done. It's amazing how much work you can accomplish when you're trying to keep things off of your mind.....kinda sad really. I feel like an addict. It's strange when you get used to hearing someones voice everyday and then is taken away abruptly. I'm going through withdrawls...lol..

Well...no more nonsense. I've got to finish a painting. Thank goodness is payday tomorrow. I need to pay bills, get my car serviced, send the pics out to Mike for the giftshop and I'm going to get my nails done. A girls gotta do something for herself once in a while ;-) Gonna go now....I'm gonna play with paint!!!

Dust

You took the snowflakes

from the sky and turned

them into ash

and plucked the feathers

from an angels wings

while she knelt praying

You were the dream

within her nightmares-

the phantom of comfort

before pearls were crushed

by a selfish blow

of your hand

She used to dance for you

long ago before the moon

fell from the sky

Now you are but dust

of crumbled forget-me-nots

covering her long-sealed book

of hope