Unguarded




There are certain times in your life when everything around you just seems so overwhelming, yet you keep moving because you're afraid if you stop, even for a minute, you may not be able to continue.....

When the family is faced with a stressful situation, be it hospitalizations, family crisis, job related stresses, illnesses, whatever, my family looks to me for strength. My friends seem to do the same. I have always seemed to be the pillar of strength; that rock and anchor that hold steadfast, because, ever since I was a child, I never let anything get me down. I am an optimist...always have been...always will (told ya). But, there are those times that sneak up on me when I least expect it. I'm sure you all know what I mean. It's the feeling of euphoria. Nothing or no one can touch you. You're feeling on top of the world because things finally seem to be going right. So...slowly, you let your defenses down...expose a little bit more of your hidden self and that's when it happens.

You can be in a crowded room, in a restaurant, at a party, or at home alone listening to music, or at work for that matter, then it creeps up on you. This sense of foreboding. All the monsters you'd been fighting and hiding somehow make their way to surface and you feel trapped and completely shaken. You want reassurance-someone YOU can lean on, but no one is there for you. Your one person you want to talk to is unreachable and you fucking panic. There's no where to run because, no matter what, YOU WILL STILL BE THERE. All the negative seeps and soaks into your pores. You're a sponge that can't hold anymore and the contents of your mind and soul drip slowly one by one along with your energy and, when the last drop falls and you're bled dry everything crashes around you. One minute feels like an eternity and all you see is black...

This is when I try to disappear...hide....do or be anything but me, but I can't because there are others more important than I am who keep pulling me out back into the shadows of reality. I have to be strong again. No moment of weakness is allowed for me...at least not to be visible for anyone else. The need to flee is so great but, where to go? The one person you need to be strong for you can't because their strength IS you! What do I do? Well, this is when I cry alone in my room, sobs wrenching free from my body, one tortured moan at a time. This is when silent tears drip down my face when I'm at work and hopefully no one is around. This is when I sit in front of the computer hoping that the words I punch into a machine will somehow exorcise the demons that I'm fighting. This is when I stare into the dark corners of my room when there's no way I can sleep. This is when I pray to God to give me back my strength so I can stop the tears before they even form. This is when I pray....

Lord, help me. Forgive me all the faults even I don't deserve it. Give me strength, please. Take away this pain that has held me much too long. Help ME to forgive and let go......

let go......LET GO.....LET ME FUCKING GO!!!!