Ignorance is Bliss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I look back at times when not knowing
made everything okay. The sense
of looking forward was all I needed.

Accomplishment was just
an arms reach away...so close,
but just out of reach.

I was happiest then

So many wonderful things
still to come...so many, many "firsts"
just about to crest over the horizon...

I could see just enough to want to go on

Have I been running around in circles?

Photographs upon the walls say no
resumes and job titles speak otherwise
yet, I feel....unfinished....
so much yet to do, but how?
When?! WHEN?!


Yes....ignorance IS bliss

So....I've been sitting in front of this blank screen for about five minutes now. I've gone back and forth from site to site for over an hour hoping that this feeling of anxiety would just leave me, but it hasn't *shrug* so, I guess I'll just go on. It's kind of cold and gray outside. The rain is threatening to come and all the signs are there. Sort of looks how I feel inside. The only ray of light that has shone through so far today is the wonderful news about Nova. THAT is a great blessing and reminds me that miracles do happen everyday. I just have to remember to look for them.....

You know...I think I'll paint today. I don't have to be to work for another hour and a half. That should give me time to finish one canvas. I'm painting a sunrise. How appropriate, huh? lol...that'll brighten up my day. Yeah...that's what I'll do and I'll post it when I'm finished!

You Are Internal - Realist - Powerful

You feel your life is controlled internally. If you want something, you make it happen. You don't wait around for things to go your way. You value your independence and don't like others to have control. You are a realist when it comes to luck. You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random. You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you... But you do your best to try to make your own luck. When it comes to who's in charge, it's you. Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler. You don't care much about what others think. But they better care what you think!

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test

Now...if only I can believe in this again, I'd be set!!! I gotta get things going. Grr....

Unguarded




There are certain times in your life when everything around you just seems so overwhelming, yet you keep moving because you're afraid if you stop, even for a minute, you may not be able to continue.....

When the family is faced with a stressful situation, be it hospitalizations, family crisis, job related stresses, illnesses, whatever, my family looks to me for strength. My friends seem to do the same. I have always seemed to be the pillar of strength; that rock and anchor that hold steadfast, because, ever since I was a child, I never let anything get me down. I am an optimist...always have been...always will (told ya). But, there are those times that sneak up on me when I least expect it. I'm sure you all know what I mean. It's the feeling of euphoria. Nothing or no one can touch you. You're feeling on top of the world because things finally seem to be going right. So...slowly, you let your defenses down...expose a little bit more of your hidden self and that's when it happens.

You can be in a crowded room, in a restaurant, at a party, or at home alone listening to music, or at work for that matter, then it creeps up on you. This sense of foreboding. All the monsters you'd been fighting and hiding somehow make their way to surface and you feel trapped and completely shaken. You want reassurance-someone YOU can lean on, but no one is there for you. Your one person you want to talk to is unreachable and you fucking panic. There's no where to run because, no matter what, YOU WILL STILL BE THERE. All the negative seeps and soaks into your pores. You're a sponge that can't hold anymore and the contents of your mind and soul drip slowly one by one along with your energy and, when the last drop falls and you're bled dry everything crashes around you. One minute feels like an eternity and all you see is black...

This is when I try to disappear...hide....do or be anything but me, but I can't because there are others more important than I am who keep pulling me out back into the shadows of reality. I have to be strong again. No moment of weakness is allowed for me...at least not to be visible for anyone else. The need to flee is so great but, where to go? The one person you need to be strong for you can't because their strength IS you! What do I do? Well, this is when I cry alone in my room, sobs wrenching free from my body, one tortured moan at a time. This is when silent tears drip down my face when I'm at work and hopefully no one is around. This is when I sit in front of the computer hoping that the words I punch into a machine will somehow exorcise the demons that I'm fighting. This is when I stare into the dark corners of my room when there's no way I can sleep. This is when I pray to God to give me back my strength so I can stop the tears before they even form. This is when I pray....

Lord, help me. Forgive me all the faults even I don't deserve it. Give me strength, please. Take away this pain that has held me much too long. Help ME to forgive and let go......

let go......LET GO.....LET ME FUCKING GO!!!!

Soul Splinter

I drove home crying today

So many things running

through my mind

When will this drama end?

I can't stop thinking,

replaying....questioning

Was there something-

Is there something I can do

to make this all go away?

It felt like I drove forever

into the sunset...ha-so cliche!

But, needless to say, just so.

Still,

I ask myself

"How many ways can you

splinter a soul?"

FOR NOVA.

GOD BLESS HIM AND HIS FAMILY. PROTECT HIM LORD. SEND HIM YOUR ANGELS TO WATCH OVER HIM, STRENGTHEN HIM AND HIS LOVING FAMILY.

AMEN

I didn't sleep much last night. I think I finally fell into a fitful sleep at around 2:15 this morning. I'm pretty dang sleepy right now. I'm debating on whether I should go back to sleep before I head into work today. I still have a couple of hours before I have to leave. My mind has just been racing in so many different directions. Concentrating on any ONE thing has been extremely difficult. I feel like I'm on the edge of....something. I just don't know what it is. There's been so much going on around me, not just at home or at work, but everywhere. I'm like a giant...receptor. I FEEL everything. Does that make sense at all? It's like I'm tasting too many flavors at once and I'm on overload.

Seriously, though, I'm ultra sensitive. I feel everyone's anxiety or apprehension, they're weakness or they're strength...I'm okay if I'm with positive people, but I'm extremely drained lately. It's like all these co-mingling signals are sapping all of my energy.

Breaking point---I hope not, but it sure feels like it. I'm going to try and close my eyes for a little bit. Maybe I'll feel better with an hour of sleep under my belt. I hope I don't oversleep. Blessings everyone.

Just because.....


....the bell chimes once more

just before the crest of the sun

5:30 blinks red-shatters the silence
of sunrise

I sit and stare
at the shifting light

clouds interrupt my thoughts
as they interrupt the fall of rays
to cold earth

just for a second-
a blink- I thought I saw heaven

a blue bird speed past
my bedroom window

but, as my eyes adjusted,

silence took hold once more

perhaps, now...

I can sleep

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/

this I HAD to post!

This is late, (recently, I've been late for everything!) but I thought I'd post it anyway. It's way cute!

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you Your flirting style: friendly and sweet What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Self portrait.

This was just one of those shots on a camera phone that just can't be duplicated. I actually like it.

I played around with the color and antiqued it. Whatcha think? I'm still playing with this blog and trying to figure out all the settings and what not. I'm so freaking ignorant when it comes to trying out my own layouts. I don't know why I'm so thick when it comes to technology. You know how the saying goes...we're only human, but it takes a computer to really eff things up, or something to the likes. Anyway...here I am...and here I go.......

Hey, everybody.

I cut my hair and played around with the color a little bit. I needed a change and I think I like it. The highlights might go a little lighter, but I haven't decided yet. Anyway, here's a new pic that I posted on my myspace profile too. Just when I thought I'd simplify my life, I go and complicate it again by adding not one, but TWO blogs. Sheesh. I never learn, but this one is being dedicated to poetry and prose...I hope! lol

The other one I just took this morning. I was bored, but I'm also charting my progress when it comes the gym and the length of my hair. I'm seriously trying to grow it to my waist, but I'm really impatient. It's just below my shoulder blades now, but that's after I cut 5 inches of split ends off. Nah...it really wasn't that bad, but it needed a trim and, well, I just got a little happy with the scissors :-)

Yeah, I cut my own hair. I always have and did the color too. Why the hell am I going to pay someone to do my hair and get pissed off if they mess it up? No way. I only trust my mom and myself to do my hair. Besides, salons want to charge me about 150 bucks to do my length of hair! I'll take my time and my money and spend it on better things like my family and friends. Four kids are expensive. Even more so now that they're all teenagers! Oh, shoot! I gotta go to work. Be back soon!

I'm just about to leave for work, but I had to stop by today. Lots and lots of things stirring around in this head of mine....yes, sir.



edit me

change the color of my hair
sit out in the sun

tan is good

what shade of lipstick
shall I wear today?

Red....yes....

Rock star, poet, mother
wife, artist?

*sigh*

all of the above today,
but not enough of just one

perhaps tomorrow I will choose

All's Fair

move forward damnit
all's fair in love and war
don't sit on your throne of broken dreams

MOVE FORWARD

No one's to blame, just you
only you...

Get up! Go outside!
Sing and dance in the rain
and if there isn't any,
go find it!!

I'm looking for that rainbow,
that pot of gold...

I know it's somewhere

And, guess what?
I'm going to make it
with or without you

but....

that doesn't mean
I wouldn't like you around

friends forever....
remember?

You Are From the Moon

You Are From the Moon You can vibe with the steady rhythms of the Moon.You're in touch with your emotions and intuition.You possess a great, unmatched imagination - and an infinite memory.Ultra-sensitive, you feel at home anywhere (or with anyone).A total healer, you light the way in the dark for many ~THIS IS TOTALLY ME!!~

Rearview Mirror

I’m lying in my bed
nothing but silence
I wish so hard to hear
those footsteps on the floor

The door stays closed
as tears caress my pillow
and thoughts of you fall hard
upon the ground

I wonder how you are
and if you’re happy
and if you hold the love
you thought you found

I finally slept amidst
the fits of crying
and woke to see the sun
light up the sky

I thought that I could let you go
while dreaming
but in my dreams you held on
to my hands

In prayers I had promised that
I’d always be your friend
until the end
Is this the end?

Got in my car to start the day
and checked the rearview mirror
and there I saw a fingerprint
upon the frosted glass

I told myself, another gift
because it wasn’t mine….
Just another bit of “you”
you left behind



©Mary Molina

First post 2-6-06

There's a peach strudel that's cooling off and I want it now, but alas, I am going to the gym instead. I'm trying to be good. Besides, I have to wait until it's room temperature so I can have a piece. lol. This is so cool. I can't wait to get my blog set up to where it'll be totally me. I'm gonna have a lot of work to do. Ah...but, what a way to go. See you all soon!