because I can't

I tried to turn my mind off early, but, as you can see, I'm posting this at almost 1:00 a.m. I'm so tired...so tired...I don't know how much more of this my body or my mind can take. I just want to be alone....alone to silence my thoughts....to try to let go, no BREAK these chains that I am shackled to. It's so hard to be where I am right now. I try to be the happy-happy person...the love all, be all that I once was, but something happened to that person years ago. I'm okay when the sun is out and there's a constant hum of activity to busy the mind, but lately....lately, when the shadows shroud my face, the tears flow freely, silently and there is no hand that will wipe it away other than mine...he'll never see them even as he lies quietly sleeping beside me, I'll never let him know that I still cry...that I'm still broken...that I don't know if I can heal to be the perfect mate that I used to be...tried to be, because....I can't. It hurts because my ability to open up is becoming more and more narrow and he's trying so hard to win me back....to recapture what we were...to be young with me again. But...I don't know how...I don't know if I can and it's getting us nowhere....nowhere...Can I please be nowhere for just a while? Just so I can get grounded again and I can sleep without tears soaking my pillow case......