Today was, in so many ways, an absolutely gorgeous day. I spent it with my kids and one of my nephews. We went to an outdoor shopping center and just enjoyed the sun. It's so hard to get everyone together anymore. They're all growing up so fast. *sigh*
But, now, as I sit in front of this screen just after midnight, so many, many things keep running through my mind. I tried to go to sleep about an hour ago and did nothing but stare at the ceiling. The house is quiet, everything is hushed and still other than the computer noise and the fountain in the background. I can't get my mind to slow down let alone stop so I can get some rest. The pages of the past keep flipping in front of my eyes every time I try to close them. It's different in the light of day, you know? Thoughts are more easily controlled, surpressed...but, when darkness comes, they run rampant. All logic seems to flee and nothing but raw emotion is left. The what-if's, could've-been's and should've been's roam free and choke me. All I beg is for silence from within my head...silence so I can sleep.........
dear so and so,
you know me so well, yet you try to forget me. i lived so long for you. what do i do now? you didn't say good bye. i never asked for an explanation. i just knew you had to leave-you knew you had to leave, but, just this once, i needed to hear good-bye. maybe then, i would have hurt less. i do understand, you know. but, understanding doesn't lessen the pain. you are such a part of me still...you helped make me who i am...but, you don't want to hear it. So, what do i do? i spill my soul here, hide my pain and sorrow in plain view, purge and exorcise the demons you so gladly left behind and i let you...i let you...
it's nearing one now...my eyes are heavy, but my heart is heavier. you can still hear my thoughts...sense me just as i can sense you, only not as strong as before....you are beginning
to forgot and, silly me, i cannot.
I will attempt to sleep once more. I pray this time that I am successful. It seems that I am my own demon. Where ever I go, I am there....no where to run. Face myself and accept me for who I am, how I was made and what I am to become. I can do no more, but I cannot, no, will not expect less of myself. I am my fortress. I AM STRENGTH.....God is my shield
4 comments:
Your letter fits precisely for me too, Mary. I am going to use it - with proper citation - over at mypsace, if that's okay?
I understand
and ~KNOW~
the sleepless, the weight, the heavy heart
I KNOW!
and I care
And I hurt for you and hurt some more for me when I read things such as these from you
~YOU~ personally haven't hurt me
you're just this artculate voice in my soul that speaks to ~HER~, to the cosmos for me it seems and you have done so for a very, very, VERY long time.
"Indeible," is proof of that fact.
I'm sorry for us both.
And I don't know how you do it. I hide my face in shame because I know friends are now starting to seek me out and the places I write and are seeing how the gears of my life grind, breaking the teeth on the cogs and sprockets because the memories are so abrasive and strong and go against the grain of what I had imagined myself, my life to be and ground the gears down to smoothed metal.
And I can't sleep.
And it sucks.
And no one's commenting at my blogsite anymore.
And I am a whiny, pissy, weakling.
And her life goes on, so clueless. . . .
And I go over the debasement and humuiliation torturing myself by remembering wishing and hopeing and praying she'd sense this pain and feel remorse. She doesn't even have to say goodbye or apologize. But if I knew she regretted any of this sincerely, then I might be able to finally heal.
But this wound is so deep, hon.
It's scary.
It's sucks.
And it still hurts, daily.
Sound familar?
HUGS, prayers, positive energy and whenever you need an ear or a shoulder. . . . I am here, buddy!
Peace to us ~ALL~ !!!!
~ML
*hug* life sure has a way of slowing us down,eh? I just choose to keep moving. Sometimes, though, like during this write, it's freaking tough, but JUST KEEP MOVING! We are warriors.
Warriors yes. But it still hurts. BAD.
yes, it does. But, we get over it because we must
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