The holidays to so many, including me, brings back a longing and sense of nostalgia. Thanksgiving was really quiet for me. It was nice having dinner with my parents (it was just the three of us). Don't get me wrong, but I miss the boisterous insanity of large family gatherings with my kids, brothers, nephews and nieces. I suppose its just another way the Lord is giving me a chance to rest after giving so much for such a very long time. Still, I can't help but feel a little melancholy.
It was a tradition for me that Black Fridays were spent decorating the house for Christmas. I'd set out the Christmas table and it would be up for an entire MONTH dressed in its Christmas finery. I'd set out the crystal candlesticks and all my fine crystal vases all throughout the house along with a slew of candles that burned from morning into the late evenings. Everyone in the house was trained, including the cats! Nothing ever got broken. My kids were so good. I used to take them into antique stores at very early ages (3-7) and they never touched or ran around. It was so awesome that I could do that. *sigh* Anyway, I digress. The kids would help decorate the tree after all the lights were run through the branches and they had stopped the cats from attacking the base of the tree! Then Saturday was spent decorating the outside of the house. I used to paint xmas winter scenes in our very large windows. I wish I would have taken pictures of my windows. That's the one thing I didn't do, but I have lots of family pictures.
I guess a lot of things change when you go through a divorce and the kids grow up. Starting over is the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to make it and then I go back and remember that God is on my side and I am here for a purpose. In every situation I am placed there is a reason and a lesson and my faith is strengthening me and guiding me through this journey. But, if asked if I would do it all again...I would gladly receive the late night calls of a brand new baby, early morning cuddling with a soft little body curled up against me while being surrounded by the arms of the man I love. I would happily keep a house and bake cookies just because. I would gladly wake up after everyone else is asleep to fill the stockings by the fireplace on Christmas eve...yes, if asked, I would gladly and most fervently do it again.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Back to life...continuation
Ironically, even after such a wonderful evening, several things got in the way, my job, my children and basically just trying to figure out where I fit in again shot me off course. As I said before, I misplaced my notebook and we lost contact. Truth be told, I was petrified after I met. I just figured he was too good to be true. We saw each other from time to time at the karaoke bar and each time he looked marvelous, but I was with my friends or co-workers and we just didn't get a chance to chat that much. Then life really threw a curve ball. I started dating and it was a mess. I knew I was out of it, but oh my gosh, people in general are real jerks. I just couldn't understand all of the bull I'd run into and I ended up hurt several times over.
Well, I decided, I was safer unattached so I'd go out with just some friends. Before I knew it, almost a year and several hearth aches had gone by since I'd first met him, the love of my life. I reconnected with a couple of high school friends of mine who also sang so we decided to go to the karaoke bar where my personal Elvis and I met. It was an interesting night. He was there. I saw him when we walked in and I made it a point to say hello. My male friend didn't like it one bit, but so what?! We were there as friends. Two ladies and a guy friend from high school trying to catch up on old times was harmless enough, right? Huh! Not in his eyes. He figured, since we all went out together, we two ladies were only supposed to pay attention to him. It was a pissing contest between two males, over my lady friend. I am so glad it wasn't over me, but I still somehow got dragged into the middle of it. Being a gentleman that he is, he came over and talked to me and introduced himself to my company. My male friend, who will forever remain nameless, puffed up his chest as if to stake claim on me. My love was unfazed. He merely shook his hand and turned to me. He said he was going to leave, but he hoped to hear from me soon and he slipped his number into my hand as he held it. As he held my gaze, that when I decided, yes, I am going to call him.
The remainder of that night went to hell. My male friend got into a shouting match with another of the patrons at the bar over my lady friend. I was mad and sad and scared at the same time. We left and drove around looking for a place for this guy to stay so he could sleep off the booze and his stupidity. This guy is a cop, mind you and he was acting worse than a high school boy on steroids. He upset my lady friend so badly. Later I came to find out, after we dropped him back off at his car so he could sleep the effects of the alcohol off, that he had texted my friend several nasty texts and that was when I got thoroughly disgusted. Ah, me...and this was only the beginning.
to be continued...
Well, I decided, I was safer unattached so I'd go out with just some friends. Before I knew it, almost a year and several hearth aches had gone by since I'd first met him, the love of my life. I reconnected with a couple of high school friends of mine who also sang so we decided to go to the karaoke bar where my personal Elvis and I met. It was an interesting night. He was there. I saw him when we walked in and I made it a point to say hello. My male friend didn't like it one bit, but so what?! We were there as friends. Two ladies and a guy friend from high school trying to catch up on old times was harmless enough, right? Huh! Not in his eyes. He figured, since we all went out together, we two ladies were only supposed to pay attention to him. It was a pissing contest between two males, over my lady friend. I am so glad it wasn't over me, but I still somehow got dragged into the middle of it. Being a gentleman that he is, he came over and talked to me and introduced himself to my company. My male friend, who will forever remain nameless, puffed up his chest as if to stake claim on me. My love was unfazed. He merely shook his hand and turned to me. He said he was going to leave, but he hoped to hear from me soon and he slipped his number into my hand as he held it. As he held my gaze, that when I decided, yes, I am going to call him.
The remainder of that night went to hell. My male friend got into a shouting match with another of the patrons at the bar over my lady friend. I was mad and sad and scared at the same time. We left and drove around looking for a place for this guy to stay so he could sleep off the booze and his stupidity. This guy is a cop, mind you and he was acting worse than a high school boy on steroids. He upset my lady friend so badly. Later I came to find out, after we dropped him back off at his car so he could sleep the effects of the alcohol off, that he had texted my friend several nasty texts and that was when I got thoroughly disgusted. Ah, me...and this was only the beginning.
to be continued...
Saturday, October 03, 2009
moving forward...
Promiseoflight is now a .com site...take note everyone it's now Promiseoflight.com. I'm so excited!!! Yay for advancement.
Ah, yes...before I forget, it's full steam ahead with the jewelry designing. I am so blessed. The catalog will be available soon!!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Back to life...the beginning of a love story
I started going to karaoke spots on Friday's and Saturday's with my friends when I didn't have the kids. It was petrifying and exhilarating at the same time going back on that stage. I'd forgotten how good it felt and how much I'd really missed singing.
On an off night, when I was really not feeling myself, my friends and I decided to go out on a Thursday...not typical of us at all considering we all had to go to work the next day. It was a nice quiet night and we got to sing quite a few times. It got late very quickly, but I couldn't see myself going home. I told my friends it was okay, that I would be okay, even though they were leaving me alone at a "bar".
I had brought my notebook and thought I might be able to do some writing while I listened to the singers. I sat tucked in a corner alone at a table on a day I didn't normally go out and was actually comfortable with myself. It had only been a month since I'd moved into my new apartment and started living alone and then he came in. I hadn't noticed him at all. I was trying so hard to make something jump from my mind and land onto that blank piece of paper. Then the KJ called me up for another song and I went on stage. I put my heart into that song and, as I was leaving the stage, I noticed him.
It's was kind of dark in the bar, but he wore his sunglasses. He had his hair combed into a perfect pompadore and wore a long black trench coat with the cuffs of his unbuttoned sleeves hanging out of the sleeves of his coat. Even with his shades on I could feel him staring, but, oddly, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. He clapped and said I did a good job. It turned out that he didn't feel like staying home and had come to listen to the singers as well on a date he didn't normally go out and I happened to be sitting at his "usual" table. It felt natural being in this place talking to this man whom I'd never met before. He took off his sunglasses to speak to me and I was caught off guard by the most riveting eyes I'd ever seen...so beautiful...depending on the way the light hit his face, his eyes looked green, pale blue or gold. I was mesmerized. We shared each others souls at that first glance.
They called him up to sing and he sang "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley. I came to find out later that he hardly ever sang, but, that night, he sang to me. It was beautiful. He was such a gentleman, softspoken and very polite. Apparently he recorded my performance on a digital recorder he always carried and was kind enough to share the recording with me. He'd asked me for my number, but I explained that I was comfortable giving out my number since...well he understood, but I called my number from his phone so I could get his number and I watched him erase my number from his phone. I wrote it down in my notebook and had intended to call him when I was ready. Fate should have it that I misplace the notebook and life got in the way. We ended up talking for three hours that night. It was wonderful...
to be continued.
On an off night, when I was really not feeling myself, my friends and I decided to go out on a Thursday...not typical of us at all considering we all had to go to work the next day. It was a nice quiet night and we got to sing quite a few times. It got late very quickly, but I couldn't see myself going home. I told my friends it was okay, that I would be okay, even though they were leaving me alone at a "bar".
I had brought my notebook and thought I might be able to do some writing while I listened to the singers. I sat tucked in a corner alone at a table on a day I didn't normally go out and was actually comfortable with myself. It had only been a month since I'd moved into my new apartment and started living alone and then he came in. I hadn't noticed him at all. I was trying so hard to make something jump from my mind and land onto that blank piece of paper. Then the KJ called me up for another song and I went on stage. I put my heart into that song and, as I was leaving the stage, I noticed him.
It's was kind of dark in the bar, but he wore his sunglasses. He had his hair combed into a perfect pompadore and wore a long black trench coat with the cuffs of his unbuttoned sleeves hanging out of the sleeves of his coat. Even with his shades on I could feel him staring, but, oddly, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. He clapped and said I did a good job. It turned out that he didn't feel like staying home and had come to listen to the singers as well on a date he didn't normally go out and I happened to be sitting at his "usual" table. It felt natural being in this place talking to this man whom I'd never met before. He took off his sunglasses to speak to me and I was caught off guard by the most riveting eyes I'd ever seen...so beautiful...depending on the way the light hit his face, his eyes looked green, pale blue or gold. I was mesmerized. We shared each others souls at that first glance.
They called him up to sing and he sang "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley. I came to find out later that he hardly ever sang, but, that night, he sang to me. It was beautiful. He was such a gentleman, softspoken and very polite. Apparently he recorded my performance on a digital recorder he always carried and was kind enough to share the recording with me. He'd asked me for my number, but I explained that I was comfortable giving out my number since...well he understood, but I called my number from his phone so I could get his number and I watched him erase my number from his phone. I wrote it down in my notebook and had intended to call him when I was ready. Fate should have it that I misplace the notebook and life got in the way. We ended up talking for three hours that night. It was wonderful...
to be continued.
a change in gear...
As I said in an earlier post, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything consistently. Basically, here is the reason why...for those of you who know me or my history, it really goes without saying. Yet, I know there are many that will read know nothing about me at all, so let me start at the beginning.
Three years ago, January 2006, my divorce was finalized. After 21 years of being with the same man, I found myself "unattached". I felt so alone and so worthless. I felt such a loss and I was an emotional mess. My two youngest children were shuffled from house to house every other week, which was difficult for them and absolutely gut-wrenching for me. I built my life around them...being a mom and wife...and suddenly it was all gone. My oldest son living out of state, was devasted and very angry at his dad, but I think, was spared a lot of the hurt. He didn't have to watch or hear what was going on on a daily basis. My second son automatically took on the role of man of the house. He just assumed it was what he was supposed to do, but that put our relationship as mother and son on a different level.
I struggled horribly with finances, still in debt to this day, but no way to pay that debt back. $1900.00 a month for rent certainly didn't make things easy on me. All I wanted was escape. I did the seclusion thing for a few months and found that didn't do anything for me but make me more of a recluse and extremely depressed. I didn't show it to the world, but those who were close to me or had been through the same thing knew.
Finally, an old friend convinced me to go karaoke-ing with her. I thought, "Why not?! I love to sing." Besides, my kids kept telling me to go out, so I finally took their advice. Little did I know that this was to be the start of a grand adventure....
to be continued...
Three years ago, January 2006, my divorce was finalized. After 21 years of being with the same man, I found myself "unattached". I felt so alone and so worthless. I felt such a loss and I was an emotional mess. My two youngest children were shuffled from house to house every other week, which was difficult for them and absolutely gut-wrenching for me. I built my life around them...being a mom and wife...and suddenly it was all gone. My oldest son living out of state, was devasted and very angry at his dad, but I think, was spared a lot of the hurt. He didn't have to watch or hear what was going on on a daily basis. My second son automatically took on the role of man of the house. He just assumed it was what he was supposed to do, but that put our relationship as mother and son on a different level.
I struggled horribly with finances, still in debt to this day, but no way to pay that debt back. $1900.00 a month for rent certainly didn't make things easy on me. All I wanted was escape. I did the seclusion thing for a few months and found that didn't do anything for me but make me more of a recluse and extremely depressed. I didn't show it to the world, but those who were close to me or had been through the same thing knew.
Finally, an old friend convinced me to go karaoke-ing with her. I thought, "Why not?! I love to sing." Besides, my kids kept telling me to go out, so I finally took their advice. Little did I know that this was to be the start of a grand adventure....
to be continued...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Okay...so, it's been almost two months.
*sigh* It's been a long a winding road. I've been a jewelry designing diva and loving it. My life has been surrounded by hustling to make my own business a success. I can't find a job so obviously, that's not what God wants me to do, so I listen. Life is so many kinds of crazy, but not nearly as it was a year and a half ago. I am loved and so in love....a forever kind of love...I want to shout it to the world and I will soon...so very soon. I am so blessed...thank you, my love, for being you...
Monday, August 03, 2009
Well hello there...my it's been a long long time.
wow...it's been almost two years since I've posted anything here. A lot has changed...some good, some bad...but God is good.
I am hanging on by faith. It's been a rough road for me. I'm so overwhelmed right now, I can't even sleep and my thoughts just won't gel together. Does anyone have a pause button I can use for life, please? *sigh* Wish it was already better.
Better get some sleep...gotta take my daughter to the dentist. Be back later...I hope. This time, it won't be two years!!! I promise.
I am hanging on by faith. It's been a rough road for me. I'm so overwhelmed right now, I can't even sleep and my thoughts just won't gel together. Does anyone have a pause button I can use for life, please? *sigh* Wish it was already better.
Better get some sleep...gotta take my daughter to the dentist. Be back later...I hope. This time, it won't be two years!!! I promise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)