If Wishes Were Diamonds

Just wanted to share some wedding photos. It was a perfect day

2010-10-06T18:47:00.001-07:00

wedding countdown

2010-09-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well...a WHOLE lot has happened since my last post in may. I got engaged in July and, after a whirlwind of activities, I'm counting down the final days to my wedding! The past two months have been insane. But, I'll be the a new Mrs. come Friday, Sept. 24th!! I'm so excited! I haven't slept much at all. I just finished printing 140 programs and am about to finish the remaining 30 wedding favors. I'm thinking I'll go to bed and just wake up early to clean. I'm exhausted, but the happiest woman in the world! So many wonderful things have happened and are about to happen. God has been so gracious. He brought a man from my past back into to my present who became my future. Ah, I am so blessed! *sigh*

Well, I promise to come by more often. I really have to get some sleep! God bless to you all.

It's been a while since I've been here

2010-05-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since my last post November. A lifetime of change has happened in just a few months. God is so generous and loving. He reunited me with a long lost friend who is now my future husband. My world has become a very much brighter place and I couldn't be happier. My children are all growing up so beautifully and I'm starting over with the man of my dreams. I'm writing again and creating jewelry...*sigh*...what more can I ask for? Ah, yes, working on being a new mommy again...after all these years I didn't find love. It found me. I am so blessed. God willing, I'll be able to blog again.

two sides to every coin

2009-11-28T11:07:00.001-08:00

The holidays to so many, including me, brings back a longing and sense of nostalgia. Thanksgiving was really quiet for me. It was nice having dinner with my parents (it was just the three of us). Don't get me wrong, but I miss the boisterous insanity of large family gatherings with my kids, brothers, nephews and nieces. I suppose its just another way the Lord is giving me a chance to rest after giving so much for such a very long time. Still, I can't help but feel a little melancholy.

It was a tradition for me that Black Fridays were spent decorating the house for Christmas. I'd set out the Christmas table and it would be up for an entire MONTH dressed in its Christmas finery. I'd set out the crystal candlesticks and all my fine crystal vases all throughout the house along with a slew of candles that burned from morning into the late evenings. Everyone in the house was trained, including the cats! Nothing ever got broken. My kids were so good. I used to take them into antique stores at very early ages (3-7) and they never touched or ran around. It was so awesome that I could do that. *sigh* Anyway, I digress. The kids would help decorate the tree after all the lights were run through the branches and they had stopped the cats from attacking the base of the tree! Then Saturday was spent decorating the outside of the house. I used to paint xmas winter scenes in our very large windows. I wish I would have taken pictures of my windows. That's the one thing I didn't do, but I have lots of family pictures.

I guess a lot of things change when you go through a divorce and the kids grow up. Starting over is the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to make it and then I go back and remember that God is on my side and I am here for a purpose. In every situation I am placed there is a reason and a lesson and my faith is strengthening me and guiding me through this journey. But, if asked if I would do it all again...I would gladly receive the late night calls of a brand new baby, early morning cuddling with a soft little body curled up against me while being surrounded by the arms of the man I love. I would happily keep a house and bake cookies just because. I would gladly wake up after everyone else is asleep to fill the stockings by the fireplace on Christmas eve...yes, if asked, I would gladly and most fervently do it again.

Back to life...continuation

2009-10-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

Ironically, even after such a wonderful evening, several things got in the way, my job, my children and basically just trying to figure out where I fit in again shot me off course. As I said before, I misplaced my notebook and we lost contact. Truth be told, I was petrified after I met. I just figured he was too good to be true. We saw each other from time to time at the karaoke bar and each time he looked marvelous, but I was with my friends or co-workers and we just didn't get a chance to chat that much. Then life really threw a curve ball. I started dating and it was a mess. I knew I was out of it, but oh my gosh, people in general are real jerks. I just couldn't understand all of the bull I'd run into and I ended up hurt several times over.

Well, I decided, I was safer unattached so I'd go out with just some friends. Before I knew it, almost a year and several hearth aches had gone by since I'd first met him, the love of my life. I reconnected with a couple of high school friends of mine who also sang so we decided to go to the karaoke bar where my personal Elvis and I met. It was an interesting night. He was there. I saw him when we walked in and I made it a point to say hello. My male friend didn't like it one bit, but so what?! We were there as friends. Two ladies and a guy friend from high school trying to catch up on old times was harmless enough, right? Huh! Not in his eyes. He figured, since we all went out together, we two ladies were only supposed to pay attention to him. It was a pissing contest between two males, over my lady friend. I am so glad it wasn't over me, but I still somehow got dragged into the middle of it. Being a gentleman that he is, he came over and talked to me and introduced himself to my company. My male friend, who will forever remain nameless, puffed up his chest as if to stake claim on me. My love was unfazed. He merely shook his hand and turned to me. He said he was going to leave, but he hoped to hear from me soon and he slipped his number into my hand as he held it. As he held my gaze, that when I decided, yes, I am going to call him.

The remainder of that night went to hell. My male friend got into a shouting match with another of the patrons at the bar over my lady friend. I was mad and sad and scared at the same time. We left and drove around looking for a place for this guy to stay so he could sleep off the booze and his stupidity. This guy is a cop, mind you and he was acting worse than a high school boy on steroids. He upset my lady friend so badly. Later I came to find out, after we dropped him back off at his car so he could sleep the effects of the alcohol off, that he had texted my friend several nasty texts and that was when I got thoroughly disgusted. Ah, me...and this was only the beginning.

to be continued...

moving forward...

2009-10-03T20:56:00.001-07:00

Promiseoflight is now a .com site...take note everyone it's now Promiseoflight.com. I'm so excited!!! Yay for advancement.

Ah, yes...before I forget, it's full steam ahead with the jewelry designing. I am so blessed. The catalog will be available soon!!

Back to life...the beginning of a love story

2009-09-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

I started going to karaoke spots on Friday's and Saturday's with my friends when I didn't have the kids. It was petrifying and exhilarating at the same time going back on that stage. I'd forgotten how good it felt and how much I'd really missed singing.

On an off night, when I was really not feeling myself, my friends and I decided to go out on a Thursday...not typical of us at all considering we all had to go to work the next day. It was a nice quiet night and we got to sing quite a few times. It got late very quickly, but I couldn't see myself going home. I told my friends it was okay, that I would be okay, even though they were leaving me alone at a "bar".

I had brought my notebook and thought I might be able to do some writing while I listened to the singers. I sat tucked in a corner alone at a table on a day I didn't normally go out and was actually comfortable with myself. It had only been a month since I'd moved into my new apartment and started living alone and then he came in. I hadn't noticed him at all. I was trying so hard to make something jump from my mind and land onto that blank piece of paper. Then the KJ called me up for another song and I went on stage. I put my heart into that song and, as I was leaving the stage, I noticed him.

It's was kind of dark in the bar, but he wore his sunglasses. He had his hair combed into a perfect pompadore and wore a long black trench coat with the cuffs of his unbuttoned sleeves hanging out of the sleeves of his coat. Even with his shades on I could feel him staring, but, oddly, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. He clapped and said I did a good job. It turned out that he didn't feel like staying home and had come to listen to the singers as well on a date he didn't normally go out and I happened to be sitting at his "usual" table. It felt natural being in this place talking to this man whom I'd never met before. He took off his sunglasses to speak to me and I was caught off guard by the most riveting eyes I'd ever seen...so beautiful...depending on the way the light hit his face, his eyes looked green, pale blue or gold. I was mesmerized. We shared each others souls at that first glance.

They called him up to sing and he sang "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley. I came to find out later that he hardly ever sang, but, that night, he sang to me. It was beautiful. He was such a gentleman, softspoken and very polite. Apparently he recorded my performance on a digital recorder he always carried and was kind enough to share the recording with me. He'd asked me for my number, but I explained that I was comfortable giving out my number since...well he understood, but I called my number from his phone so I could get his number and I watched him erase my number from his phone. I wrote it down in my notebook and had intended to call him when I was ready. Fate should have it that I misplace the notebook and life got in the way. We ended up talking for three hours that night. It was wonderful...

to be continued.

a change in gear...

2009-09-26T01:10:00.000-07:00

As I said in an earlier post, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything consistently. Basically, here is the reason why...for those of you who know me or my history, it really goes without saying. Yet, I know there are many that will read know nothing about me at all, so let me start at the beginning.

Three years ago, January 2006, my divorce was finalized. After 21 years of being with the same man, I found myself "unattached". I felt so alone and so worthless. I felt such a loss and I was an emotional mess. My two youngest children were shuffled from house to house every other week, which was difficult for them and absolutely gut-wrenching for me. I built my life around them...being a mom and wife...and suddenly it was all gone. My oldest son living out of state, was devasted and very angry at his dad, but I think, was spared a lot of the hurt. He didn't have to watch or hear what was going on on a daily basis. My second son automatically took on the role of man of the house. He just assumed it was what he was supposed to do, but that put our relationship as mother and son on a different level.

I struggled horribly with finances, still in debt to this day, but no way to pay that debt back. $1900.00 a month for rent certainly didn't make things easy on me. All I wanted was escape. I did the seclusion thing for a few months and found that didn't do anything for me but make me more of a recluse and extremely depressed. I didn't show it to the world, but those who were close to me or had been through the same thing knew.

Finally, an old friend convinced me to go karaoke-ing with her. I thought, "Why not?! I love to sing." Besides, my kids kept telling me to go out, so I finally took their advice. Little did I know that this was to be the start of a grand adventure....

to be continued...

Okay...so, it's been almost two months.

2009-09-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

*sigh* It's been a long a winding road. I've been a jewelry designing diva and loving it. My life has been surrounded by hustling to make my own business a success. I can't find a job so obviously, that's not what God wants me to do, so I listen. Life is so many kinds of crazy, but not nearly as it was a year and a half ago. I am loved and so in love....a forever kind of love...I want to shout it to the world and I will soon...so very soon. I am so blessed...thank you, my love, for being you...

Well hello there...my it's been a long long time.

2009-08-03T03:10:00.001-07:00

wow...it's been almost two years since I've posted anything here. A lot has changed...some good, some bad...but God is good.

I am hanging on by faith. It's been a rough road for me. I'm so overwhelmed right now, I can't even sleep and my thoughts just won't gel together. Does anyone have a pause button I can use for life, please? *sigh* Wish it was already better.

Better get some sleep...gotta take my daughter to the dentist. Be back later...I hope. This time, it won't be two years!!! I promise.

Torrential downpour

2007-10-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

I've neglected this blog for much too long and it's time to return. Life has been one grand journey after another these past six months. I've been lower than I've ever been before. I've been in the darkest place I've ever been and now....now...I emerged and changed entity. Changed in a way that I have become myself again. Strange how that happens, but I am so much the better for it. I've started writing again, also. I hope you enjoy.

eerie

there is smoke in the air-

it's thick and tangible

and it drops slowly down upon everything

leaving it all blurred in a gray dust

it's a eerie kind of beauty that i see

the sky is full of color...

slashes of magenta, orange and red

as light fights to reach the ground

Amazed...yes, that's what I am,

at how destruction can be so glorious-

renewing...so beautifully painful

and so painfully beautiful

Eerie

that's what it is

as I watch the day

dip erotically into night

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MADNESS OF MIDNIGHT

I made it home

just before sunset

and the smell of tangerines

and roses hit my senses.

It felt good to run...

just run to no place,

or no one,

in particular

Restless energy,

yes, that's what it was

and it subsided,

but only a bit

I was happily exhausted

as the heat

stole my breath and pushed

me to the pillows on the bed

until the madness of midnight came

and stole my rest away

an traded them for tear stains

on the pillowcase

When "Happy" makes you sad.

2007-09-23T16:38:00.000-07:00

this song is very close to my heart and very special to a dear friend of mine. The words are so beautiful and I'm making myself a complete mess. Sometimes, there are times where even the smallest of joys can bring you to tears. This is one of those times. I'm so very tired.... Anyway, enjoy the song and the video.

Saturday afternoon....August 18, 2007

2007-08-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

SUNSET BEACH
My parents came over yesterday and the kids and I were supposed to go with them to a church event in Seal Beach at the Naval Weapons Armory Beach. We got to the base entrance and the guard directed us to another entry gate off of PCH. So, off we went following the directions he gave us. I was driving so I had to pay attention. lol...kind of hard for me lately. The funny thing is, when we called one of the other church memembers to find out WHERE exactly it was, they said it wasn't yesterday. It's supposed to be on a different day! That means the bulletin that the church printed and distributed to the entire congregation was WRONG!! OMG...lol...So, we just decided to go to the beach anyway, since we were already there.

My dad was starving!! lol We were expecting to pig out on filipino food! But, since there wasn't any to be found, we stopped by Harry's Grill and had the slamminest burgers and fries. We ate on the patio upstairs and just enjoyed the breeze and the view. Rich is now determind to have something like that deck when he buys his house. I don't blame him! It was perfect out there.

So, after our REALLY late lunch, we went to the beach...that is after we circled the parking area three times before we found someone leaving! It was packed yesterday....but not as bad as Laguna or Corona Del Mar. We broke out the cooler with our drinks and snacks, beach blanket, towels...etc and headed out to the shore. I could have stayed there until the sunset. I'm going to have to do that again. I haven't seen the sun set at a beach in forever!! Yeah, anyway, we all just kind of hung out enjoying the sun, the sea breeze and the sand. Anyway, it was a pretty good day.

too damn tired

2007-08-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

feeling blue....anybody got an airplane I can borrow???
how is it one can feel so utterly and completely loved and be so unbelievablely sad a the same time? That is just the norm for me lately. These highs and lows are kicking my ass and I have no way to control them. I know I'm supposed to go through them. Yes, I am a stronger person, but I want someone to lean on. I hate being the only dependable one around.

I need to lean on someone for support. I need...I need...money so I won't NEED anyone. Fuck.

taking a break from cleaning

2007-08-11T13:56:00.001-07:00

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

this is so me...

2007-08-10T20:20:00.001-07:00

Your Superpower Should Be Manipulating Electricity

You're highly reactive, energetic, and super charged.
If the occasion calls for it, you can go from 0 to 60 in a split second.
But you don't harness your energy unless you truly need to.
And because of this, people are often surprised by what you are capable of.

Why you would be a good superhero: You have the stamina to fight enemies for days

Your biggest problem as a superhero: As with your normal life, people would continue to underestimate you

What Should Your Superpower Be?

trying to let go

2007-08-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

There are times when I just want to tell the world to let me off. Everything around me keeps moving and I seem to slow even futher than I'd already been going before. Don't get me wrong, I know good things are coming, but, in the meantime, I feel hurt...used...old and run down. I try not to present that to the world so much 'cause it just doesn't do me any good. At the same time, though, playing happy-happy wears thin. I flunked out of my last classes. I got sick and so far behind I just couldn't do it. Not good. What did I do to myself? If it wasn't for all the bills stacking up all around me I'd be fine. I hate barely scraping by. Hell...I'm not scraping by. I can't pay my fucking bills. I haven't even had the energy to write anything substantial. I NEED A VACATION SO BAD!! But, who the hell am I kidding? At the rate I'm going, I'll never have another vacation for the rest of my life..

I need you

I just want to hold on

let me lean into you

everything is so wrong

you're the only thing

I have going

You're what keeps me

hanging on

I need you

I need you to lean on

surround me

please don't let me go

let me cry in the circle of your arms

until my tears run dry

just once

let me stay

let me lie here beside you

until the monsters go away

the distance

I want you here now

to tell me everything is fine

even if you don't know how

I'll believe you

because the words came

from your lips

please

just for a little while

let me stand beneath

the shadow

of forever.

*sigh* On the upside...my friend is visiting from Virginia the end of the month and so is my oldest son. That will be wonderful...not to mention my muse will be here for a month. Thank God for small mercies... I just want to be held.

What Kind of Panties Are You?

2007-08-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

You Are Lacy Panties

You're one seductive chica, but you've also got a ton of class.
You are like a pinup girl, with timeless beauty and sexiness.
Men are afraid to talk to you, knowing they'll be addicted to your charm immediately.
Only a true manly man, confident in himself, is your perfect match.

What Kind of Panties Are You?

lol...I'm bored, okay?!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

2007-08-08T19:26:00.001-07:00

Your Passion is Red!

You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination.
You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks!
With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new.
You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

What planet should I rule...this is kinda true :-)

2007-08-05T19:20:00.001-07:00

You Should Rule Jupiter

Huge and hot, Jupiter is a quickly turning planet with short days and intense gravity.

You are perfect to rule Jupiter, because you are both dominant and kind.
You have great strength and confidence, but you never abuse your power.

You are always right. Even if you make mistakes, you compensate for them... before anyone knows it.
Headstrong and ambitious, you always have a goal in mind. You are optimistic and believe thing things will always work out.

What Planet Should You Rule?

Am I an "It Girl"....supposedly

2007-08-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

You Are an "It Girl"

You're outgoing, friendly, and charismatic.

You are aware of your image, and you are constantly improving yourself.

You're definitely the type of girl people love to be around!

Are You An "It Girl"?

Love's Pagan Embrace

2007-07-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

The morning came too quickly

Once again
I’d been dreaming of you
all night long so, somehow
when you called, I wasn’t surprised

You knew I’d been thinking of you

You have a funny way
of making yourself known
just when I need you…so strange,
but I’m not complaining

It’s an electrical pulse that keeps us
connected

You are a million tiny tremors
that rocket through my body
every time we touch and clutch
the way we do in midst of heat

It’s so hard to wait for next time

I want to call out your name
While we’re wrapped around each other
in loves pagan embrace…
Until then, my dreams will have to do.

a letter to love

2007-07-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I know it's been a short time, but I can't help but feel like I've been forgotten. I know that it isn't so. You reveled so many different things to me, things you'd never said before, and in front of your life long friends-people you trust. Somehow, that night, you wedged yourself further into my heart. If you only knew how much I believe in you and how I'd give you my last living breath if it meant you would survive to remember me. I know I won't be hearing from you for a while. It's the norm...one that I've lived with for a while...but I still can't help but think about the word forever.

I'm yours. You know that. You're mine, even if you still can't voice the promise. But, you don't have to. You've proven it so many times. You keep coming back-falling into me for my strength-because you know I've never left. I AM the only one that has ever been there and accepted you for what and who you are. My strength and faith has become your strength and faith, I know this.

Would I let you take care of me? YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES! And, I would take care of you. Let go and let me in. I'll save you like you've saved me over and over again. Each and every breath we shared with each kiss was like being reborn. You said I taught you so much about yourself. I was just being myself with you. You've taught me something as well. You taught me how to believe in myself again. You have no idea how much I love and thank you for that. I will spend the rest of my life telling you, showing you, when it's time. Thank you for letting me be me.

My promise to you has always been true. I'd never leave. To disappear, to never see you again, would be like throwing my heart into a funeral pyre. I can't do it. I am incapable. You asked me for a son...(yes, love, I would give you one). I know you haven't forgotten...I don't think your friends will let you forget either. Hearing husband and wife come from their lips about us was strange yet felt entirely right. Soon...*sigh*...I just wish you weren't so far away. It's not time, I know. I know. Forever is a wonderful word...

oh hell

2007-07-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

everytime I think I'm moving forward and I'll be okay, reality comes crashing down around me and I remember my history of 21 years. Why won't it just fucking go away? I just want to be able to let go and be completely happy again. Even knowing that I am loved just doesn't take all the pain away...at least not yet. I guess it's because I don't have that someone to lean on. I need that pillar of strength right now. Just for a little bit. Please Lord...help me. Strengthen me...

I have to get out of this house for a little while. I can't stay here. I've been alone all day and it was fine for a little while. It isn't anymore. Pray for my renewed strength, please....

rollercoaster ride

2007-07-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

*sigh* oh, how my heart skips a beat

I'm spinning, turning upside-down

on this rollercoaster world

love can do such funny things

I'm dizzy....oh, so dizzy

but I don't want to jump off

My fingers are tired

I cling so tightly

but they're locked into place

you cling just as tightly

We spoke of love

even spoke of forever

but there was never any time

Now...time is all we have

eternity sounds beautiful with you

the dragonflies are dancing again

they've filled my belly

like the flutters of a growning child

your child......our boy

come home and we will spin

away together on this rollercoaster ride

called love

*It's amazing what one can learn in such a short time. I got back from Atlanta last Tuesday. My muse visited me....drove all the way up from Miami to spend some time. We spoke of things we'd spoken of before and so much more. How is it my world can be turned so upsidedown then suddenly right itself so quickly. I'd always known love. I'd always known passion, but this....this is what I could have imagined and so much more. He's always held a special place in my heart and I have my place in his, but I didn't know just how large as space I'd occupied until last Saturday. I have and feel so much love and all of it was given back to me on that night. Love...the future...forever...it was spoken clearly and with witnesses...*sigh*....How I wish I could have taken his offer to stay...to go back with him...but, the time is not right....not just yet. I suppose we have to wait just a little longer. How I wish I could share how many times the words "I love you" were spoken in just 10 minutes. My heart was broken and rebuilt a thousand times in just one night. And...if I had to...I would breathe my very last breath into him so that he might live and know I loved him that much.*

To my muse...we wished for and waited...our time is almost here. That shining star...our little man...will be with us when it's time. Remember...we are as one...

celebrity look-alike

2007-07-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

just got back

2007-06-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

I was in Dallas for two weeks for a tradeshow. The set-up was so much fun, but the hours were grueling. We did 10-12 hour days, but the results were spectacular. I had a blast with the gang and had a bit of drama as well, but nothing I couldn't handle. I got my drink and dance on too. It was so much fun, but I am tired. I'm trying to wind down. It's a normal work day tomorrow. I'll be home for a week, then I go to Atlanta for another showroom set up. This stint will only be for 5 days though. I wish I was going to Chicago. I think I'll be going to New York, though. I'm not quite sure yet. Anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I'm alive. I've actually been able to write a few things too. I don't know how I found the time, but I did AND I did homework. I AM WIPED OUT!! Anyway...night everyone!

Waiting for the sleep to kick in

2007-06-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

omg...I'm soooo tired, but my brain refuses to cease!!! ugh...I have way too much going on, but if I slowed down too much, I'm afraid I'd go crazy. I suppose it's to be expected with all the changes going on in my life, but I sure wish it would stop some time soon. At times, I feel absolutely on top of the world then literally 30 seconds later, my sobbing my lungs out. This is totally NOT a rollercoaster ride I enjoy. But, I always go back and think it could be worse.

I need to start working on that painting I was commissioned to do. Gotta wait for payday to get the canvases, though. They're pretty big pieces! Can't wait to see them when they're finished. *sigh* I better get to bed. I have a lot of prep time ahead of me before my trip to Dallas for two weeks. Gosh, I'm going to miss my kids. It must be done, though. Good night all

new....

2007-06-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

everyone check out www.promiseoflight.org when you get a chance. I submitted a new piece to James and it should be up soon. Try it. You'll like it :-)

TONIGHT!!!

2007-06-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

THE TOMKAT LOUNGE IN BUENA PARK. I'M GONNA GET MY KARAOKE ON! I'M SOOOO GONNA OWN THAT BAR! LOL HOPING FOR A KICK-ASS WEEKEND FOR EVERYONE!! *SMOOCHES* GOD BLESS!

one more thing

2007-05-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

I forgot to share this bad-ass commercial that my son, John, did. Yes, this is all JOHN. Check it out!

lost my mind

2007-05-31T23:25:00.000-07:00

they say a picture says a thousand words. what do you hear when you see these?

The damn broke...

2007-05-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

I've been writing insanely and almost manic to a point. (Okay...maybe I am just a little, but no doctor has to tell me that! lol)

Here's what's been going through my mind. So much to tell, not enough time to tell it.

safety
Current mood: wishing for relief

I can barely see it.

If I squint really hard,

I can make out an outline of...of...

something far beyond my reach

I used to know what that was

It beacons me

this thing that's almost shapeless

but, I KNOW what it is

I can sense it

safety comes to mind

It's been so long

(not really)

that I feel out of control

It's the money talking again

SHUT THE HELL UP!

I hate that I need it

but the world revolves coz

money don't grow on trees

it's made of blood and tears

a lot of them mine,

but who's counting?

That's why I bust my ass

and what is there to show?

A busted nose and skinned knees

and a timeworn face

with honest, lonely eyes

You know, when I started writing this, I had a really romantic image in my head. You know, two people wrapped in a circle of safety within each others arms. That was the image I was trying to build on. I know I'm tired, but I didn't realize how much. I feel so retarded. I've gone into my class to work on my assignment three times this week and have just been so unsuccessful. Perhaps it's the lack of motivation and the overwhelming sense to run and hide is getting to me. So much on my mind...no...TOO much on my mind. I should have been asleep too, but I can't shut the thoughts off. Ah, well...look at all the writing I've done. I'm finally able to purge creatively again.

On another note, it looks like I'm going to be commissioned to do an art piece for a friend. I'm rather excited about that fact. It will bring in a much needed cash flow. I so need it.

I got my flight itinerary today. It's going to be interesting and tiring, everyone says, but I can't wait. I have to work on a special project tomorrow at work. I'm going to try and close my eyes now. Good night, everyone. God bless you all. Please pray for me and my family. We can use all the blessings.

Until tomorrow...

10:46 PM

within
Current mood: inspired
Category: inspired Writing and Poetry

A PUZZLE WITHIN A MAZE

WHISPERS BEHIND THE CURTAIN

LIPS TO FINGERTIPS

SECRETS ARE UNFOLDING

WHAT DO THEY SEE

AS THEY STARE INTO CLOUDS

LIGHTNING OR THE PROMISE

OF RAIN...

THE RHYMER KNOWS THE ANSWER

HE IS THE ONE WHO LISTENS

BEYOND THE CRASHING OF THUNDER

HE HEARS THE FLUTTER OF DRAGONFLY

WINGS

Thank you to a very special friend. I was challenged and inspired

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

In Coming
Current mood: hopeful
Category: hopeful Writing and Poetry

I'd thought that lifetime meant forever-

it's just a breath of a millenium
in the blink of Gods eye

so slow in coming
yet so easily left behind

I've been buried in the sand

locked in an amber chamber
of should-have-done
a fossilized dream,
I crumble when exposed

self awareness is overrated
true love-an illusion

in the darkness of "I wish" secrets hide
slither-hither round the throat
in coming, I fight

Yet, moonlight whispers soft
and finds I am the platinum lining
in that blue gray cloud
that was trapped in his hand

9:47 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos

Told ya I've been writing a lot!

bleck....

2007-05-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

how can moods change so much from one day to the next. I hate this damn rollercoaster ride that I am on. LET ME THE HELL OFF, PLEASE!

Vesuvius/I Rage

Volcanic-I rage like Vesuvius

My passions are great

even for promises

that are not mine to keep

It should go without saying

but words must be spoken

Of lava, I am the one

that burns.

Disappointment scorches

peels flesh from bone-

I don't believe

there will be understanding

So I will smolder

until the air has gone

and I have been

snuffed out.

MOVING FORWARD!

2007-05-19T17:29:00.000-07:00

So, I start school on Monday already!!! I am soooooo not ready, but I'm doing it anyway. *deep breath* Keep me in your prayers, everyone!!! I need it. School and traveling for work...wow...what have I gotten myself into?! lol

NOTHING BUT GOOD THINGS COMING MY WAY!!!

another crosspost

2007-05-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

of wicker baskets and hope.

Current mood: :-)

twisted and tied

entwined and encircled

by joys and of heartaches

my self, I define

the past and the present

a constant reminder

of who I am

and who I shall become

I've held much-

will hold much more

like wicker baskets

and hope...

a thought on Mother's Day/crosspost

2007-05-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

My babies....knowing I did something right on Mother's Day
Current mood: tearfully blessed
Category: tearfully blessed Life

This year, so far has been especially hard. Having a 21 year partnership crumble in your hads is just not something anyone can easily deal with. He filed for divorce a week and a half after our anniversary. Ironic that we were married on Valentine's Day only for it to end right after. We stayed together for all the right reasons and we ended it for all the same right reasons.

Easter was rough, but I still made it a point to buy my babies a treat for their nonexistant basket. It was the first year I didn't make them anything and I felt like shit, but I made an effort because I am their mother and it wouldn't have been right. Telling the family was especially hard. My rlationship with everyone I held dear will never be the same. My "sisters" are lost to me. They're just sibblings to my soon-to-be ex and it kills me inside that I had to lose that. But, why I expected different just astounds me. I guess I was hoping they'd react more like me? Wishful thinking on my part yet again.

This Mother's Day was so hard. I had to play happy-happy when inwardly I was dying a painfully slow death. There were so many things my children said to me that were both so painfully true and so supportive at the same time. They have always been my strength. I have always been their greatest supports. On that day they showed me all the love and support I'd given was truly being returned. Mike treated me, Rich and Rose to brunch. Rose said something only a 14 year old could say because she is wise beyond her years, and Rich held me up with his silent strength. John could not be with us, but he made sure that I knew he was thinking about me. He sent me a text saying that he loved me and called later in the day. I am so very proud of my children. Even as I cry through this pain and trumoil, separated from the one I thought I'd grow old with, I am still strong. THEY ARE MY STRENGTH AND I AM BLESSED. Thank you, God, for showing that to me on Mother's Day

sigh

2007-05-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

I guess perfection just wasn't in the mix
time to move out of the electric chair
for a shocker somewhere else???

What the hell is dating anyway?

I'm afraid to find out
I used to be so fearless.

Getting burned can do that
to a person

Crawl, then walk then run, I guess
But who will catch me when I fall?

Cross post from myspace/consumed

2007-05-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

busted a mutha*****ng rant
Current mood: bitter remains

I'm just a child of nature-

a kind a loving killer of my worth

love everything till nothing's left

for myself still dangling...

Stupid ass shit hanging over my head

not able to let go

consequences out of my control

still I roll...onward...forward

off the edge of a cliff

I fall

Broke like a fuckin' egg, I did

spilled my soul

all over the jagged rocks below

and you laughed as I tumbled

and spit on my remains

Don't smile at me

Just......

disappear

I am consumed by the hatred of myself. Why can't I just freaking let go of the past. I get so pissed off that I can't just move on. I am in the middle of a divorce and, even though it isn't final, my husband of 21 years has so easily found a way to move so quickly away from me...from family, from us. I can't even begin to understand what the hell being single means. Our entire adult lives encompassed us and that's gone. I want it all to go away. Just fade to black and never to return. I wish I could just remember my children, their lives and nothing of him. Please God...help me forget. Death would have been easier to mourn....was easier....I lost two babies during my marriage and we never talked about it. It hurt so damn much knowing there should have been more babies to hold, to nurse and to nurture. Now, I know that they are the lucky ones. My children now suffer a loss that is named Divorce.

I CAN'T DO THIS. I HATE FEELING SO OUT OF CONTROL. EVERYTIME I THINK I'M TAKING STEPS FORWARD, I FALL FLAT ON MY BACK ABOUT A MILE FROM WHERE I BEGAN. I was so strong before. I'm not strong. I'm not...and I hurt. I just want to give up. Just once can I be weak?

broken

2007-04-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

he sits on an electric chair

a deadman on his throne

he smiles through blackened, broken teeth

surrounded but alone

and as he shares epiphanies

the crowd just sits and stares

he's just a fool in an electric chair

and no one really cares

broken, broken, broken down

a deadman sitting on his throne

electrodes for a crown

and when he shares epiphanies

they all just sit and stare

'cause he's been broken, broken, broken down

and no one really cares

The angels tried to take him home before

he rasped a laugh and told them

they were crazy

for this is where he longed to stay

a king to many men today

but little did he know that was his chance to live

Now, he's just a fool in his electric chair

a deadman on his throne

he smiles through blackened, broken teeth

surrounded, but he's totally alone

He's been broken, broken

down

sick as a dog.

2007-04-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Remember when I mentioned change and how it tends to kick my ass? Well, I spent 2 1/2 hours in the emergency room in severe pain and uncontrollable shivers on Sunday. They blew a vein in my arm trying to put the I.V. in, but the spot that was inserted properly on my hand is more bruised than my arm!! They did a renal CT scan on me and did blood work, urine... the works. Anyway, after all that, they administered a really strong antibiotic. It turns out I have, not only a urninary tract infection, but I also have a kidney infection. They cave me ibuprofen 600 for pain and swelling, vicodeine for pain (coz I was IN PAIN!!) and the antibiotic cyprosil. So, needless to say, I didn't go into work yesterday after getting home after 1:00 a.m.! ogm...and it's only the second week of my new job! ugh.

So, one would think that after 24 hours of having an antibiotic in your system, one that was supposedly REALLY strong, and a day of rest, one would begin to feel better, right?? That's if one is normal. Apparently, I'm not. My fever came back, the chills nearly chattered my teeth right out the pain in my hands and knees brought me to tears and VOMITTING came into play! I ended up going to my own doctor again today, coz I new they missed something. Guess what that something was? You will not freaking believe me when I tell you, I guarantee it!!! You ready for it??............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I have freaking STREP THROAT ON TOP OF ALL THIS OTHER SHIT!!!! But at least my doctor got the antibiotic right. I've only taken on dose and I feel a difference already. Oh, yeah, and I failed to mention that the emergency room doctor didn't tell me I have two small kidney stones in my right kidney. wtf....that explains the pain shooting down my leg. Geez....I suppose if you gotta do something, you gotta do it right. DAMN STRAIGHT in my case. *sigh* keep me in your prayers.

pain

2007-04-09T21:14:00.001-07:00

sometimes, like this moment, i wish I could sleep and never wake up from my dreams. I wish that the earth would stop revolving and the sun would never rise or set again. Sometimes I wish that I'd been born immuned to love, to happiness, to hope, to fear, to sadness. I wish I was cold and unfeeling or just plain shallow and uncaring. As much as I know that Juan and I are doing the right thing by letting each other go, it fucking hurts damnit. It hurts. Some people are lucky and they never know the feeling of their heart being ripped out of their chest and burned in a funeral pyre. I'm raw and exposed. I feel like I've been turned inside out and there is no one that can fix me.

FIX ME GOD. MAKE ME CAPABLE OF BEING HAPPY AND LOVING AGAIN. PLEASE....OH, PLEASE.....please....

if I could empty all my sorrows
into oceans
and swim within the streams
swathed in amber sunsets

if only I could scream my pain
and leave it all behind
I'd live again
assured and knowing that
I'd love

if I could separate the rainbow
from the sky
and scatter all the color
into pieces

I'd gladly tear the promise
into nothingness
so pain will let me go
and I could love again.

So much to update...here's the deal

2007-04-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

this is what's been happening in my neck of the woods. MAKE IT STOP!! LOL I've been posting, but mostly on Myspace...I know, I know...bad Mary, but I'm making up for it. Here goes!

Saying good-bye

Tomorrow marks the last page in another chapter of my life. I'll be saying good-bye to some really wonderful people who became my extended family very quickly. Strange, really...it doesn't feel like a year and a half has passed. It happened so quickly, but definitely not quietly. Today was a day filled with drama at the workplace. All I can say is, "thank goodness I'm leaving"!! Geez. Too much drama going on all the way around. I'm very tired, yet I can't seem to close my eyes.

I'm closing another chapter in my personal life too. Packing and moving again, but, this time, into my own place. I' kind of scared, but at the same time, I know everything will be fine. I have so much to do and only three days to do it all. Ugh...my head is spinning just thinking about it. *sigh* I better get to bed. It's late and tomorrow IS my last day. I'm moving out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I have so much paperwork to do tomorrow. Ah, well...good night, all.

03 Apr 2007

halo

Current mood: feeling

my heart lies weary

worn and aching

so much time has passed

happiness and hurts

yet

I still refer to us as "we"

even if "we" are just

"you" or "me"

It looks like rain

as I stare at the great,

full moon

a misty haze that covers

all I see

a halo 'round her aura

perhaps

it's just a ring I see

behind my tears

the china cabinet
Current mood: changing....

she took the dishes out of the cabinet carefully, one by one. with each piece of the floral china she remembered dates, events and times that came and went with every piece she wrapped and placed into the box. there is so much history entangled within the delicate flowers of each plate; each bowl; each cup and saucer and, as she lifted the last set out of the cabinet, she remembered that a bowl was missing making the china just short of perfection, but what a perfect imperfection it was.....

29 Mar 2007

strange....
Current mood: damn good

My last day at Tall Mouse is April 5th. It happened so fast that my head is spinning. At least I get a 3 day weekend before I start my new job. DAMN!!! I can't wait for the new challenges that await me!! I'm a bit sad though, coz everyone at the store has been so wonderful and have just been so saddened that I'm leaving, but are happy for me at the same time. They have no clue how hard it was for me. They became my extended family...however, I AM MOVING FORWARD AND FEEL PRETTY FREAKIN' GOOD. Pray that this feeling stays long lasting.

Now....if I could just get back into my writing. Oh, yeah...one more thing...I'm going back to school. I'm bound and determind to get my BS in sales and marketing. I may as well do what I'm good at right?! I'm going to get my degree in finearts too. NO, I'm not crazy...just determind

things that I just couldn't say....

2007-03-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

life sucks sometimes....I'm starting in new life in so many ways...we're going to move again. There is no choice since the hubby still hasn't been able to get a job just yet. It'll be two months since he was laid off. It's been rough, but, oddly, we've become closer, in a strange way...things are "different" now for us, in more ways than one, but he's a good man and we will be fine, together or apart...so weird...I just can't say anymore right now. I'm weary. But...it's all a part of the master plan....

The big pay-off...a crosspost

2007-03-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Oh, my blog.....I've been away too long. I have so much to say, so much to tell, but let me start with this wonderful little post :-)

The pay off....
Current mood: blessed

Well, like I said before, I got the job I wanted. It's amazing what prayer will do. The news spread like wildfire at work today. Goodness! Bad news travels fast!! But, I am happy and very relieved. This will bring in some much needed income and a sense of security. I'm going to miss my extended family there, but they all understand and it's not like I'm dropping off the face of the earth...just moving to another part of it

I'll be working for a great company that will challenge my brain as well as my creativity. I am now a Key Account Exec. *sigh* That has such a nice ring to it! One of my new duties will include traveling to trade shows (at least four times a year) floral design and merchandising. I'm looking at some long hours, but at least they were up front about it. FINALLY!!!! I get to use the many things I have trained for. I CAN'T WAIT!!! It's scarey at the same time, though, but challenges don't scare me. The only thing I'm afraid of is FAILURE. But, even that doesn't scare me much anymore. This is the right thing for me. I interviewed for this on Friday and they gave me the position yesterday! HOW'S THAT FOR BLESSED?!

Thank you, Lord, for new beginnings. I feel so.....filled....and not just coz I had a snack!

Good night, all....thanks again for all your positive vibes.

bored and unmotivated...

2007-02-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

I thought this was funny...

You Are Elektra

There's really no superhero with more style than you.Because who could beat being sexy assasin ninja?

What Superhero Are You?

trials and tribulations

2007-02-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

the past few weeks have been one hell of a ride. After Juan's lay-off, it's been an adjustment, to say the least. He's been job hunting now for almost two months. There are a LOT of jobs out there, but no one has really given him any leads as of yet. *sigh* I am known for being an optimist, but I am being really tested. I've been working on my resume and I can't freaking get motivated enough to finish the damn thing.

I'm going to take some much needed "me time" at the end of the week. I'm going to do some meditating/vegetating/nothing/everything for me/writing/sleeping and whatever else suits me time!! It sucks a little bit coz it's supposed to rain this coming weekend and I was hoping to sit at the beach. Oh, who knows....I'm crazy enough to sit in the middle of the rain anyway. It's gonna be a little cold, but at this point, I don't care. R&R...yeah...hopefully I'll come back recharged and ready to look for another job!!

Work has been so busy. I love my job. I am damn good at my job, but the company doesn't recognize the fact that I am the only manager of the four stores that increased their sales by almost 30K instead of losing that or more. I won't be getting my much needed raise because I am being lumped in with the rest of the managers as NOT taking care of business. So...how is it exactly I'm to stay motivated? I just don't know. My boss is aware of the situation and he backs me 100%. He was pretty ticked when he found out I was being placed in the same category as the other managers. It's good to know that someone recognizes your worth. Unfortunately, he can't do anything about it, coz it's coorporates decision. Well...it'll be a loss on both sides. I love my clients. They're wonderful and the trust one builds takes a long time coming. I am sad and hopeful at the same time. I figure all the bad shit has happened already, the rest of the year has GOT to get better.

I'm off to work on my resume

The cloud has been lifted...sort of

2007-01-31T23:38:00.000-08:00

this is new...tell me what you think

if you wish it
1/31/07

in the darkest of eves
there is clarity....

I am a wraith
transparent and in limbo
shifting forms
from shadow to light

hear the whispers
in the droplets
of the sacred night

that fall upon the lids
of your resting eyes

feel me free-fall
into winter
as your lips taste the waters
of my nothing-but-everything

you shall see me

if you wish it....

PROMISE OF LIGHT

2007-01-30T22:29:00.000-08:00

www.promisoflight.org

enlighten yourself.....

I've been neglecting my poor blog....

2007-01-30T22:22:00.000-08:00

Actually, I've been really sick too, but I'm much better now. My writing has really suffered. I'm on complete overload and it sucks. There is so much that I should write about, but I can't...not just yet, anyway. So, what I will do is post a couple of things I've written. Enjoy...

Sentido
1/24/07

I've been away for much too long

there a cobwebs in the corners
of my mind

and, in so, I've been feeling guilty
for the passage of time

estoy sentido
simplemente, y lo siento

The floorboards creak as I walk
into this dusty, covered room

the candles are cold, deformed
puddles on a mantle
without a hearth

a heart without a home

los fotos en mi menteme escapa

there is no moon here

just echoes and the ashes
of a long-dead pyre

and I listen for the shuffle
of your feet and the tapping
of my heals

as when we danced
so long ago
in the back room

of my mind

*untitled*
1/30/07
it's just a pittance, really
I don't ask for much-

my hand nestled in yours
your heart bound to mine

I'd dance at your feet
and stare into your molten eyes
and you'd know...
you'd know

I'd never wanted much

I am but a firefly
within a jar-shining brightly

illuminating

the darkest recesses
of your troubled

soul

And, this is....revised

2007-01-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

I tripped on roots
on life

They rose
and grasped my ankles
like a vice

I can't shake it

As I fell
a cloud of self-delusions
covered me

So blind, I am
to what is in my face

I cannot form the words

too deep,
the canyon grows

And, I, within a wished-for
drunken stupor,
lie drowning

in an oceanic world
I dare not call
my "own"

not an easy task

2007-01-17T00:22:00.000-08:00

a crosspost from my "myspace" page

finally...a chance to write
Current mood: muddled

It's been a battle for the computer for the past few weeks...err, months, that is. It's a drag trying to use it when there are three students in the house. *sigh*

I'm out of practice. My mind is a muddled mess of...of....LIFE!!! I can't even begin to tell you how bent my thoughts are. Purging hasn't helped much. The urge to run away is great again. Sheesh...when will I learn? I'm in great need of some me time. Some time in February should be good, I think. I need to curl into myself and find that poetic voice again. It somehow got lost in the mish-mosh of trying to keep up with the earth's rotation or something or another.

I tripped on that root
called life
It rose from the ground
and grasped my ankle
like a vice
and I can't shake it

As I fell
a cloud of self-dillusions
covered me
So blind, I am
to what is in my face

I cannot form the words
too deep,
the canyon grows
And, I, within a wished-for
drunken stupor
lie drowning

in a world
I dare not call
my "own"

Well...that was not so pretty, but it's a start. This is freakin' pathetic! I can't concentrate long enough to tie my shoe let alone finish something worthwhile. Shit...someone kick me in the head already. At least then I'd have an excuse. Grr.....I'm going to try again.

January 7th!!

2007-01-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

omg...how the hell did this happen so quickly? I have so much on my mind that I haven't been able to break any of it into words. It's a bit frustrating. Let me first tell you of my last week of '06. IT WAS HELL!! Hmm...I guess I can do this best by listing all that has happened

1. WORK WAS BUSY AS HELL-WORKED ON XMAS EVE
2. I HAD TO PAY ALMOST $300 FOR MIKE'S FIRST SEMESTER TUITION
3. FOUND OUT HUBBY'S BEING LAYED-OFF END OF THIS MONTH
4. FOUND OUT THAT OUR CAR INSURANCE IS GOING TO DOUBLE BECAUSE MIKE NOW DRIVES
5. CUT MYSELF AT WORK (WHICH REQUIRED A VISIT TO URGENT CARE, A 1 1/2 HOUR WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR-NO STITCHES, THANKFULLY,-AND...AND A TETANUS SHOT!!! (FREAKING SHOT HURT MORE THAN THE DAMN CUT!!)
6. SEVERE WRITERS BLOCK (HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING NEW IN ALMOST TWO MONTHS)
7. WENT TO 29CLUB AND CASINO IN PALM SPRINGS...DIDN'T WIN JACK!
8. BEEN GOING TO THE GYM EVERYOTHER DAY (heh-something positive)
9. FOUND OUT THAT MY ANNUAL REVIEW WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH BECAUSE I'M ONE OF THE "HIGHER" PAID MANAGERS. (SO, WHY THE FUCK DO I WORK SO DAMN HARD, EXACTLY?)MY RAISE IS NOW IN QUESTION....
10. FOUND OUT FROM DEAR JAMES THAT A FEW OF MY PIECES MADE IT INTO "FLOWERS AND VORTEXES" (thank you)

New List....
1. WORKED ON NEW YEARS DAY (AFTER STAYING UP TOO LATE AND HAVING WAAAAAAYY TOO MUCH TO DRINK) Can you say fish out of water? lol
2. JUST FOUND OUT THAT GETTING INSURANCE FOR THE FAMILY THROUGH MY COMPANY WILL BE RELIEVING ME OF MORE THAN A THIRD OF MY PAYCHECK EVERY TWO WEEKS!!! OMFG!
3. GOT THE WRIST RECHECKED...THANKFULLY, NO PERMANENT NERVE DAMAGE, BUT FOUND OUT I'D BRUISED MY BONE SO I'M GOING TO BE FEELING TENDERNESS IN THAT AREA ANYWHERE FROM 3-6 MONTHS (OH, JOY!)
4. STILL GOING TO THE GYM, BUT ONLY TILL VALENTINES DAY COZ 24 HOUR FITNESS ARE A BUNCH OF FATHEADS AND REFUSED TO LET MY HUBBY PAY THE FEES ON HIS OWN TERMS. STUPID ASSES LOST ALMOST TWO GRANDE! WHATEVER!
5. STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY REVIEW-MAY NEED TO START LOOKING INTO ANOTHER JOB
6. WORK IS STILL AS BUSY AS EVER(I know I'm doing something right, coz one of my regular customers came in yesterday and place a $400 order. Isn't the holiday season over already?)
7. OH!! I HAVE STREP THROAT.
8. I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO WRITE. *sigh* I have inclings, but nothing substantial yet. *tear*

KICK ME WHEN I'M FUCKING DOWN!!!

Ugh...maybe now that I've purged, I'll do better. I hate bitching. It does nothing for me, but make me feel ugly.

I'M GOING TO THE GYM!!!! I'll end this by saying all the shit happened already. THE REST OF THIS YEAR WILL BE MAGNIFICENT!!!!! (Right, Lord?) Yes....it will... :-)

sometimes

2007-01-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

I wish I were not so much like the description below. Empathy can be so painful. *sigh*

I can't believe that we're already 5 days into 2007. I have so much to tell about the past 7 days. Wish I didn't have to go to work....be back later

God bless everyone. May this new year bring about wonderful changes for all.

....

2007-01-05T11:22:00.001-08:00

You Are 2: The Helper

You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you.

You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know.

Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere.

You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What Number Are You?

....

2007-01-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

You Are 2: The Helper

You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you.
You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know.
Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere.
You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What Number Are You?

Sometimes I wish this wasn't so. Empathy can hurt so much

Another year older

2006-12-22T14:19:00.000-08:00

*sigh* Yet another birthday. How did 36 years pass so quickly and another come up even faster. 37....who'd have thought? Do I get to stop aging now? yeah...right.

Gonna go out with the girls tonight to celebrate. Miss you all. Happy holidays.

holiday strife

2006-12-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

I NEED A FREAKIN' VACATION!!!! *sigh* I just thought I'd get that out in the open before I burst! It's been a very trying holiday season. I've been having issues with my car (it's in the shop for the third time in three months), work is too damn busy, and home is very trying. There just isn't enough breathing time as of late. The family has been going to the gym at least three times a week, so that part is good, but we're being faced with a really big change. Juan's facing a layoff at the end of January. He has something that he's been working on within the same company, but we haven't heard anything definite yet. No time is ever a good time for a layoff, but damn, why, of all times, NOW?! I have to look into getting insurance with my job. That's going to totally eat up my paycheck, but at least we'll be covered in case someone gets sick. This bites.

I suppose if I'd already gotten my raise and it was substantial enough, then I wouldn't bother with it so much, but I haven't so, I will. Grr...such is human nature. I just have to remember to slow down a bit and say just a few more prayers. Anybody care to join me? AND, I have writers block AGAIN, DAMNIT!! I do NOT enjoy this mental overload, I must say. It's so unbecoming and I can feel the gray hair sprouting. ugh...let's just add vanity to it all, shall we?! At least the kids are being understanding. They all know how tough it's been lately. We have good kids and I am very much blessed by that. I know that this post was mostly pissy, but I also know that there are others not so fortunate out there. My heart and my love and prayers go out to them. This time in particular is one of the times I wish I had an unlimited amount of income so that I could share it with all those that I love. The cash, I don't have, but the sentiment I do. To my readers, all 4 of them, (lol) thank you for your friendship, may you have a holiday filled with blessings and love. And, THAT is how I'm going to end this post!

Fucked-up kind of wonderful

2006-12-02T01:09:00.000-08:00

Fucked-up kind of wonderful

put down your weapon
my transient incidental
and look at me for once
the knife is in your hand-
I didn't see it

I think I'm dying

You took from me
the everything I gave...
my love, my soul

we were a beautiful mistake,
I guess that's all

But I keep looking
out this window

staring

at the trees that move
within the breeze
that's you

a stain, a scar
a beautiful tattoo
a fucked-up
kind of wonderful

that's me and you

our story's still being written
with pen that bleeds deceit
and it will run
until it's dry

and I become the beautiful,
fucked-up liar
that you are

Un-make me/revised

2006-11-30T21:10:00.000-08:00

simple
like a blend of tea and honey
stir me

whisk in memories
of laughter
sorrow
and light

and I'll cower
behind these eyes
and all too ready
smile

like yesterday
a dry, cold wind
of mixed emotions
molded

by the sound
of your voice
and your touch
now,

I beg you,
un-make me
with your hands

Spoken Funk...cross post from myspace

2006-11-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

Spoken Funk 11/26/06-with continuation
Current mood: chipper

What an ADVENTURE!! Trying to get to Miyagi's last night was insane. The Hollywood xmas parade threw the traffic on Sunset into a tizzy!! Timmi and I were worried that we'd be super late, so I called Juren and she was stuck in the same traffic! Geez. It was nuts. Not to mention neither one of us knew where the hell we were going!! We, well, I, must have made the valet in front of Miyagi's dizzy with the amount of illegal u-turns I made trying to get to the parking area. Timmi and I were rolling! It was like high school all over again! hee-hee.

We finally got to Miyagi's around 15 minutes to 7 and a few folks were already there for the promotional shoot. Music was playing and the scene was set! Lisa was wonderful. I'd almost forgotten the insanity behind the scenes, but it was exhilirating to say the least! The lights were set up and off to the red room everyone went!

The first set up was a group of folks with the wining and dining scene. Sexy-cool shots, if you ask me!! Woot! Next came all the women for a "girls night out". That was crazy! About 7 or 8 of us piled on top of or around this great red velvet couch...(hmm...reminded me of something...sorry went on a tangent!) and it was just plain funny. We had to "pretend" conversation, but, truth be told, we all hit it off wonderfully, so we really were conversing. I wish I would have had the foresite to ask for peoples numbers

The third set of shots were hilarious. It was the co-mingling of guys and girls. EVERYBODY piled onto the couch! It was a crush of people. Oh, and by the way, can I just say that those lights were blinding AND FREAKING HOT!! LOL omg...it made for so much silliness. We were all plastered to each other! Oh, the madness!
Then came the last set. Um, I did mention things being hot, right?! Yikes! This set was for the couples. (Timmi had so much fun teasing me about this one!!) I got to put my acting skills to use. The first two couples were absolutely adorable. I believe it was Shawn and Monique that got their photos taken first...so cute. They hit it off. Mm-hmm Then there was our actual couple(one of the open mic artists and her hubby). Talk about some steamy shots! THEY were a tough act to follow. omg...so Darnel, the gentleman I was paired up with for the shoot, was like, let's practice "looking into each other's eyes". I just started busting up. I couldn't look him in the eyes!! lmao. Freakin' Timmi noticed this fact and had the nerve to point out that I was BLUSHING!! ME!! I NEVER BLUSH! I said the lights were HOT!! So, our turn came next and Juren, the little minx, had me sit ON HIS LAP!! It was really hard to keep a straight face. We were supposed to make our shots look like "soap opera" scenes....um, okay! Let's just say, there should be some good shots from that one!All in all, it was hilarious and a good experience. He's a really nice guy.

More later...the evening to be continued.

continuation 11/29/06.....sorry I took so long...full day of overtime this week

Woops! I missed the bar scene...yeah we took photos there too. Those were fun. There was one set where a guy was trying to give his phone to another guys girl...mm-hmm... lol too funny! And the others were just a bunch of candid's a group of friends and the general "bar" scene.

Talk about a flurry of activity! 7:30 came and it was time for the show. Everyone grabbed their respective tables. There was no bad seat in the house. We were all STARVING and I must say the food was marvelous!! Drinks weren't bad either

Juren and Poetri are the best hosts! This show was just LIVE!! The DJ was jumpin', Poetri is a grand MC! He is amazing a so talented. I was moved in so many ways. The open mic was just so.....damn....for a writer, I'm having difficulty finding the words. I suppose I can only speak for myself. I was touched by the talent joined together in that room. I laughed, was moved to silence from the depths of my soul, tears threatened like rain at one point and then I laughed some more. In a word...inspired. Yes, I was inspired. Since that evening so many, many things have been spriraling around my head-some lyrical, others melancholy, but they are there screaming to be heard. Perhaps, I shall be brave enough to venture on that stage as a poet on the open mic... That is a challenge and a promise to myself...

Oh! I forgot to mention the games. The entire crowd gets in on the act. Hmm...they did rock, paper,scissors; the question game, a scavenger hunt and, omg...I can't remember...with cash giveaways. THAT in itself was hilarious!! Timmi joined in on the fun. hee-hee...the stage called to her!

At the end of the eve, with happy bellies and hearts contented with the art of words and laughter, it was time to head home. Juren and Poetri, along with a few stragglers were on the stage doing a few last promotional shots. Somehow, Timmi and I ended up on the stage AGAIN for more shots in front of the logo. lol...With those done, we walked off the stage, gave Poetri and Juren hugs and a final thank you along with a promise to come back again. Such kinds souls. We will definitely be going again.

wink

2006-11-27T09:08:00.000-08:00

expletive

2006-11-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

"from dictonary.com
ex?ple?tive [ek-spli-tiv] –noun

1.an interjectory word or expression, frequently profane; an exclamatory oath.

2.a syllable, word, or phrase serving to fill out.

3.Grammar. a word considered as regularly filling the syntactic position of another, as it in It is his duty to go, or there in There is nothing here. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes, there is no other way how to fully describe how you feel without using one of these words. On this day, I am focusing on the positive and right that is in the world and I am daunted and absolutely disappointed in the negative attitudes I've seen from people who have so much to give to the world if they'd just get their heads out of their asses. This is for you...

SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT. THE WORLD IS FULL OF GOOD AND RIGHT, SO GET ON THE BAND WAGON. YOUR LIFE IS SHIT BECAUSE YOU GIVE NOTHING BUT SHIT TO THE WORLD. IT'S CALLED KARMA. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. SO QUIT FUCKIN' WHINING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOUR LIFE SUCKS AND YOU CAN'T GET A BREAK. DO THE RIGHT FUCKING THING BY EVERYONE, STARTING WITH YOURSELF, AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW. THE WORLD OWES YOU NOTHING, GOD OWES YOU NOTHING. WE ARE ALL PLACED ON THIS EARTH TO GIVE OF OURSELVES, YOU DUMB-ASS. GET A FREAKIN' CLUE THAT EVERY DAY YOU LIVE, YOU ARE GIFTED WITH TIME. THROW IT AWAY BY DOING TIME, CRIME, WRONG, PISSIN' AROUND, TAKING SHIT THAT ISN'T YOURS, MAKING PROMISES THEN BREAKING THEM, AND GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE SCREWIN' YOURSELF. AND, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, BE THANKFUL THAT YOU HAVE SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO GIVES ENOUGH OF A FLYING FUCK TO SAY SO. IF THIS HIT ANYONE AT ALL CLOSE TO HOME, THIS IS FOR YOU.

Oh, and guess, what? Even though this post sounded pissy, it has the greatest of intentions behind it. I am tested everyday, but sadly, and perhaps thankfully, it is out of the love that I hold for all that I know. There are and have been so many wrongs that have happened the past year. Let's not compile and complicate them. Let us all become the greatest warriors the world has seen. I am a carrier of light and I will bring you forward out of the darkness. Shadows only hide luminessence for a short time before it runs away to another side of the world. I am thankful for all of you and this gift. Today, the greatest expletive I have is......LOVE

Wishing

2006-11-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

everyone a VERY, VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Blessings to everyone! Love you guys.

Breathe/revised

2006-11-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

When I posted the last poem I was in a rush. I had to make sure I jotted it down or else I was afraid to lose it. This version has a few changes, but it totally gives the sense of what I was trying to write in the first place. It sucks what a headache can do to your creativity. I'm just glad it's gone and the beauty of it all is that I was able to replace it with this! I'm so glad I'm writing again. I've been so stressed as of late. Lots of change afoot. Anyway, here's the revised piece...

Breathe/revised
11/16/06

tip-tap-tap-flutter-flutter
my heart has wings...

hold in the kiss
you left me
take in the hurt
you kept behind

seal up all the memories
that blind
stitch up the wound
with time

it's just a song
it's just a song
I hear

Oh, God, it's so loud

I've loved you for so long
been so long, I can't remember
but I know it happened
in November

tip-tap-tap-flutter-flutter

it's just a song
it's just a goddamn song
I hear

Why can't I breathe?

Breathe

2006-11-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

tip-tap-tap-flutter-flutter
my heart has wings...

hold in the last kiss
you left me
take in the hurt
that you kept behind

seal up all the memories
that blind me
stitch up the wound
with time

it's just a song
it's just a song
I hear

Oh, God, it's so damn loud

I've loved you for so long
been so long, I can't remember
so long ago
one sad September

tip-tap-tap-flutter-flutter

it's just a song
it's just a song
I hear

Why can't I breathe?

bleh...

2006-11-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

bleh... "ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I'm missin' you.. tell me where the road turns...."Diana Ross...

okay, so I never made it back the other day to finish what I was writing. Still feeling really yucky. I can't seem to shake this thing that has a hold on my throat, literally. I'm still all froggish sounding and I haven't slept soundly at all in days. Oh, I know, I'm an insomniac, but I haven't been staying up late. I've actually been sleeping, but I've been waking up several times during the night with a horrible headache or just coughing coz my throat bugs. I've been the walking dead and I still go into work feeling like this. I have no choice.

I'm training two new people and it's tough. I wish I could split myself into three so I can do what regularly needs to be done as well as the training. See, if there were three of me, one could work, one could rest and the other could go on vacation. We still share the same thoughts and we could rotate! How nice would that be?!

*sigh* I've been taking this long walk down memory lane and it's been such a strange and winding road. I'm browsing classmates.com right now sending messages to some long lost friends. It's weird how much time has disappeared. I don't feel 18 years older, that's for sure! So, maybe my body tells me I am, somtimes, but I'd rather be in denial!

I gotta take Mikey to the DMV today for his written test. I think he'll do great. He just doesn't like to study, but when it's something he really wants, like driving, he'll make it happen. Speaking of which. I better get. He has an appointment and I don't feel so good, so I'm gonna take some meds. Catch you all later.

is this true? hmm...you be the judge

2006-11-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.

That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!

The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.

Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.

You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.

Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.

As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

More insanity!

2006-11-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

Work and play....what can I say?!

Halloween...it's not just for kids!

2006-11-03T09:19:00.000-08:00

Check out our crazy asses!! The party was fun!

insomnia

2006-11-02T01:18:00.000-08:00

can't seem to shut my eyes. my mind has been racing in about a thousand different directions and has gotten lost. i'm so freakin' tired...both physically and emotionally. i don't like rollercoaster rides. can I PLEASE get off?!! Why is it the strongest feelings of overwhelmed and depressed or sad make poetry flow? Mayhap it's the extreme emotion filtering through me at the moment? *sigh* the moon isn't even full yet and i'm already reacting. this one is pulling me in all strange kind of ways. i don't like it....i'm tired and feeling very irritable. gonna crawl under the covers now. sleep...blanket me with rest, please.

Within

2006-11-01T09:19:00.000-08:00

She's been calling again-the moon

and I cannot hide

for every time I close my eyes

I see her

She laughs at my aversion

knowing fully what lies

in my mind and in my heart

In the midst of dreams

she's watching

as the clocks tune

turning circles in my head

you were in my bed

my hands are clenched

holding onto...what?

But, only she knows

what dreams are trapped

within my pillow

PARTY RULES!

2006-10-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

80'S STYLE

RULE # 1-YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING UNLESS IT HAS TO DO WITH THE 80'S. IF YOU DO, YOU GET SMACKED. (THAT SOMEHOW GOT CHANGED TO TAKING A SHOT LATER IN THE EVE, BUT EVERYONE WAS PRETTY WASTED AND DIDN'T NOTICE!)

RULE # 2-YOU MUST CALL A "TIME OUT" IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE 80'S OR ELSE YOU TAKE A SHOT!

RULE #3 (thanks Myra!)-DRINK!! DRANK!! DRUNK!!

RULE #4-DON'T TALK ABOUT WORK OR ELSE YOU TAKE A SHOT!

RULE #5-LOSE YOUR CUP, TAKE A SHOT!

I'm sure there was another rule somewhere along the line, but, for the life of me, I can't remember!

I just have to say that people were a little wasted! We had sangria, tequila, bombay, jim, ballatore and some other miscellaneous guests in the house and they got LOUD AND ROWDY!!

Hmm...let's see....there was a fall-turtle-style(with only a vague recollection of it the next morning! lol) A few people blew chunks! I was excluded, THANK GOODNESS!! 80's music filled the night air till after midnight and thankfully no cops came knocking on the door. I couldn't even keep up with the amount of shots that were doled out the very first hour and that's after we had already had a drink!! All I can say is I'm so glad we didn't have any vodka!! I was spared the chunkage this time. Tequila is my friend...lol...don't trip, but this is my drink count. I remember, so I wasn't that bad....

2 glasses of sangria, four shots of tequila, a shot of cinnamon schnapps (totally gross!) My brother in law caught me off guard and handed me the shot. It looked like the silver that we were drinkin' (duh)! Bleck! The after taste hit me like a brick! omg...*shiver*...a couple of bear(oops, I mean beer...still drunk?lol) shots (coz Robert was wasted) and a glass of spumante afterwards. hee-hee...and I wore heals all night!! I surprise even myself sometimes! I'll post pics later, I promise!

Connections

2006-10-29T01:58:00.000-08:00

connections
Current mood: empathic
A crosspost from myspace.

there is a bond

that none can undo

it holds tight-a shackle

you've been in my circle again

a tip-toeing that I felt

as the wind swept by

It is you...

a rustle and crack

behind my kitchen wall

shows me where

you'd been dancing

on my shadow once again....

shadowed

2006-10-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

there are stars out

they blind me like the setting sun

releasing tears

so long withheld

they burn

yet I continue to stare

I see your eyes there

in the eastern horizon

where heaven meets earth

and light and dark collide

the shadows speak, you know

when I sleep,

they enter the room

and my world spins

slowly out of control

blather

2006-10-25T01:02:00.000-07:00

wind sings cold

gold dust shimmers
light flickers
and memories flash

sleep calls

mind won't answer-
nothing but a sing-song
sadness pays attention

I'm tired

of this motherf**cking
empty next to nothing
bit of darkness
that clings

can't hold the past
but the damn thing
won't let go
our hands are tied

and the humming
of electric current
laughs in earnest mockery

proud mama

2006-10-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

CHECK OUT MY BOY! This is John, my oldest. He's fulfilling his dream! Wish I could fly like he can....

prepare

2006-10-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

the wind whispers
through the trees

gently carrying
fall leaves
to the ground

it's cooler now
slower, preparing
for rest

the earth shall sleep
for a season-

winter

and awaken amidst
the call for rebirth
and a better day.....

~Mary

the absence of want

2006-10-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

It's not the absence of want that has kept me from writing. I, like Erin, have not had much to say. It seems that many that I know and care deeply for are in the same kind of mental and emotional funk that I am in. There are a million different things that I could or SHOULD be doing, but, for lack of a better excuse, I just can't seem to find the energy. It's actually a bit of a major letdown for me. I've been trying to be so diligent when it comes to writing/creating, but I've not been successful as of late. Perhaps when the dam decides to break once more there will be another flurry of creative energy towards the NEED to create. Ugh...I just don't know. I've been down in the dumps lately and nothing seems to be able to pull me out of it. *sigh*

Next Saturday we're going to have a costume party 80's style. You know, the big hair, lots of make-up and shoulder pads the size of football gear and all is going to happen. I'm hoping that focusing on this little project will get me into a better mood. I promise to post pics of the insanity afterwards....I wonder what people are going to wear? This should be great!!

Now....to focus on some sleep...love you guys!

because I can't

2006-10-05T00:47:00.000-07:00

I tried to turn my mind off early, but, as you can see, I'm posting this at almost 1:00 a.m. I'm so tired...so tired...I don't know how much more of this my body or my mind can take. I just want to be alone....alone to silence my thoughts....to try to let go, no BREAK these chains that I am shackled to. It's so hard to be where I am right now. I try to be the happy-happy person...the love all, be all that I once was, but something happened to that person years ago. I'm okay when the sun is out and there's a constant hum of activity to busy the mind, but lately....lately, when the shadows shroud my face, the tears flow freely, silently and there is no hand that will wipe it away other than mine...he'll never see them even as he lies quietly sleeping beside me, I'll never let him know that I still cry...that I'm still broken...that I don't know if I can heal to be the perfect mate that I used to be...tried to be, because....I can't. It hurts because my ability to open up is becoming more and more narrow and he's trying so hard to win me back....to recapture what we were...to be young with me again. But...I don't know how...I don't know if I can and it's getting us nowhere....nowhere...Can I please be nowhere for just a while? Just so I can get grounded again and I can sleep without tears soaking my pillow case......

Beautiful Nightmare/revised

2006-10-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

jealousy comes in many colors
wearing masks full of promise
and smiles from lips that lie

I've seen it, felt it,
loved it, bled from it
find comfort in it

my beautiful nightmare
a tragic truth
so undeniably me

*Thanks, E! I just needed a kick in the arse. It's amazing what what three small words can do, eh?

buzz....

2006-10-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm restless. My mind is a jumbled mess of I-don't-know's, wish-it-was, and not-even-if-I-tried kind of thinking. So much going on and simply not enough at all. I took something for my allergies and you'd think I'd be sleepy, but even benadryl doesn't do JACK for me anymore. At this moment...at this precise moment....I wish I was somewhere warm, (a beach in ANYWHERE sounds nice)my toes digging in the moist, soft sand, a cool breeze gently mussing my hair staring, no, memorizing all the pits and contours of the moon just off in the distance....oh, please....anywhere other than inside my head! I think I could let go there, where no one knows me...just me, the sand, wind, crashing waves, the moonlit sky and my pen and paper. I could write a thousand poems or none at all and be.....be....well, BE and like it! I'd be content just to sit upon the sand, knees to chin, arms wrapped around my legs like a little kid, just listening to the many tiny voices of the night...of the world....of my heart. Tears could mingle with the salt in the sand and it would be alright because I was there in the moonlight, the night sky raining down its shadows upon me and I would be...alright...I would love and feel the infinite that is love. I could let go and "be".

Beautiful Nightmare

2006-10-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

jealousy comes in many colors
wearing masks full of promise
and smiles from lips that lie

I've seen it, felt it,
loved it, bled from it
find comfort in it

my beautiful nightmare
tragic truth
undeniable

In These Eyes

2006-09-28T21:03:00.001-07:00

Perfect
You were, to me,
so perfect
Even in your woeful ways,
so perfect,
in the eyes
of this beholder

Simple
Every little thing
so simple
In this love, so rare,
so simple
in the eyes
of this beholder

Little did I know
it was a lie
Everything inside me
was so twisted
every little bit
of you, so blurry
within the eyes
of this beholder

You were the one-
I was for you
Above, below
so simply perfect
in the eyes
of this beholder-

in these eyes
of mine

PRAYERS PLEASE

2006-09-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law, Kim, has had another stroke. This is mild in comparison to the one that almost took her from us, but it's a stroke just the same. Please send positive thoughts and prayers to her and her family. My nephews and niece need their mommy. Thank you all.

DON'T EVER DO THIS

2006-09-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Okay...for those of you who don't have children yet, listen carefully, coz if I ever find out you let this happen, I'll have to kick your ass myself!!

Round 1

I had this woman, and I use the term loosely, come into my department looking for a frame. She came in with her daughter who couldn't have been older than 18 months, a toddler for cryin' out loud! Anyway, she's asking me all these questions about a frame which I don't have and in the meanwhile, she puts this toddler down and proceeds to turn her back on her while speaking to me! OMG!! First of all, you don't put a toddler down in a frame department (OR anywhere else unattended point of fact!). HELLO...LOTS OF GLASS AND FRAMED ARTWORK ON EASELS!! The baby's running around, mom doesn't know what the baby is getting into and I'M freaking out because I CAN'T SEE THE BABY and said woman is completely oblivious to the fact that her daughter is launching herself against these 24X36" frames and the only thing that's separating her little body from a lite of glass is a piece of CELLOPHANE!!! GEEZ!! So, what does this woman reprimand the little one about? Playing with my chime because it was making noise. LET HER PLAY WITH THE FREAKING CHIME!! AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS. THE CHIMES ARE SAFE COMPARED TO THE FRAMES! That was the first time she paid any attention to her after she'd put the baby down and I'd already been talking to woman for more than five minutes! A freaking child could drown in less than that! GRR.....Anyway, she decides to go out to her car to bring the photo to see if any other frame, other than the options I gave her, would work.

Round 2

Said "woman" comes back in with rolled photo and toddler again. Proceeds to put the baby down AGAIN to see if other frame would work and all I could think about was WHY DOES SHE HAVE HER BACK TURNED TO THIS BABY?! SHE'S GOING TO GET HURT! Even before I could complete the thought of "She's going to drop something on herself" and TELL THIS BITCH TO GRAB HER KID the baby throws herself against an easel and the framed piece of art falls forward, the glass breaks on the baby's head and pins her under it. That's when "mom" finally turns around to pick up her daughter to check if she's okay. SHE'S SO EFFIN' LUCKY THE GLASS DIDN'T SHATTER! Oh! And the kicker...she was pissed 'cause her daughter had a shard of glass stuck in her hairline that she couldn't get out! NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF SHE WAS TAKING CARE OF HER KID LIKE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! AAAARRRRGGGHH!!! It's not my job to babysit and to teach parenting! SHE HAS NO COMMON SENSE!! She knew she was wrong. Her stupid ass when straight to the front door...didn't even bother filing an accident report 'cause she knew it was HER fault and we would've reported her to child services. OMG! I was pissed for hours. It's a good thing Teresa came to the back right after it happened. She saw the whole thing. IF she hadn't come back there, I'd have cussed that woman out and that would've been the end of my job. GEEZ!! PEOPLE, GET A FREAKING CLUE! UGH! And all this in the span of two minutes after she came back into the store and put her daughter down.

Man...my kids never pulled anything on top of themselves or knocked anything on the floor or broke anything. I never LOST any of them either because I kept them close and where I could see them for their safety and well being and my sanity! I just don't understand people *sigh* Sorry...thanks for letting me rant.

outta control

2006-09-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

Chaos ran in circles
as the platypus played
in churning waters

I was lost in thought again
until I heard the angels speak
Morpheus was dreaming

He forgot to send me mine

I haven't slept much in forever-
too much pitter-patter on the brain
like ink dripping from the nib of a pen

inclinations splattered

across the wide screen "de mi mente"

there's fog covering the sunrise
and curtains refuse to open
Perhaps that is why I can't see

Refusal, plain and simple

And all I need...
a phone call from a long lost muse
and a shot of tequila to chase it down

sometimes....

2006-09-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you all know that I've been writing for quite a long time, thanks to the coaxing of some very supportive friends. I've been working on several things at once because I can't seem to get focused on just ONE thing, even though that would be the best, probably the easiest and most logical thing for me, right? Pishh...who said I was easy?! lol...Yeah. Yeah....I'm a goober too, but you like me anyway. So I pulled out some of my old notebooks from, like, three years ago and read over some of my stuff. OMG...I was surprised. The questions, like "did I really write this? This is so good!" and "WHY the hell didn't I finish this?" came to mind WAAAYY too many times. So, granted they all seemed a bit on the mushy side (I'm a sap and a hopeless romantic), to me anyway, and on the flipside, a tragic love story, but they moved and I didn't want to stop reading. I wanted to find out what happened next! So, the little scene and dialogue that's next is what came to mind. So strange...my OWN writing and a small phone message inspired this. Anyway, it's an imagined conversation between two characters....

It had been months since they'd last spoken. It was a nice meeting, lots of laughter and longing, but the reunion was shortlived and the happiness a calm, for turmoil was to come. She had been in love with him so long. She couldn't even remember the last time she took a breath and didn't think of him. To this day she knows when he's been in her circle. She knew why he did it. She was too needy, too ready to show how much she loved him and he was scared. Scared that he'd never be able to let her go.

He'd never admit to anyone that he'd fallen so in love that it hurt to be without her, not to touch her, not to kiss her, not to make love to her. He was weak and he knew it. They both knew it. So, he did what he thought he had to do to chase her away. He had to do it. He had to break her spirit, so they could both let go.

"I don't love you, I love her."

Those were the words she heard over and over again along with others she couldn't even bear to hear in her own mind. All she ever did was love him...still love him

The ringing of the phone shook her from her dark thoughts. She answered without giving it a second thought as to whom might be calling. It was him.

Hello?

~Yo, it's me.

She was in shock. It had to be that because she couldn't possibly be hearing the voice that has haunted her in both the sleeping and the waking hours.

Yes?

~Yeah, well, I'm here and I....I just...I don't know....

I do. You wanted to apologize for hurting me the way you did and you didn't know what else to do because you felt that I was holding you back somehow. Is that it?

~Yes and no, I mean...the apology...Um...I had to do it. I was afraid I'd lose my little girl....that I'd

She interrupts him tersely

I understand why you did it. You would have been caught in a lie that would have blown up in your face and the only thing to do was get rid of the evidence! ("Oh, God. Don't!" She screamed at herself)

She starts again, trying to control her hysteria.

No! Please...don't hang up. I somehow knew you were close. I'd been thinking about you for days and I...I wanted to tell you that, I do understand. I'd told you before that you could tell me anything and you still can. I thought you knew that. I...I just want you to be honest with me. I swear I'll fade to black if that's what you really want. I swear. Just...don't disappear like that.

Her shoulders slumped in defeat. Her hand ached from gripping the receiver so tightly. She'd never felt so helpless...so useless. It was her fault. She gave and he took it all without a second thought. But, if she had to do it all again, she would, because she loved him...still loves him...though she'll never say it again to him, unless he asked to hear those words.

~I'm sorry. I wanted to call you a million times. I just didn't know what to say or what YOU would say! I'm a bastard and I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk to you. Can we meet somewhere? I have something for you.

"If it's another broken heart, I don't want it." She thought to herself "This one, I'm still trying to glue back together".

~No tricks, just talk

~"Please, God. Let her say yes." he pleaded silently~

A long drawn out silence followed

Where? She finally said and an audible sigh of relief came from the
other side of the phone.

~At the coffee shop where we used to go at around 8:00 p.m.?

I'll call you when I'm on the way.

Okay, tell me. Is this something you all would consider reading if I finished the damn thing? :-) Just send me a message and let me know. Maybe you have some suggestions....yeah...Gotta go! I'm being called to dinner.

sigh empath overdrive

2006-09-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

I got a surprise call from an old friend. Unfortunately I missed the call, but I probably wouldn't have been able to talk from the shock of receiving it in the first place. Lot's of stuff (that I won't ellaborate on at this moment) has happened since the beginning of the year. Some good, some really bad...this is part of the good, but mostly the really bad. Sorry...I know I'm being vague. It's how I know to control the hurt. So, yeah...NOW I on the edge of wanting to hear from said "friend" again or wishing they wouldn't call (yeah, right! That's just me lying to myself). Stupid...of course I want to hear from them just to clear the air and get a freaking apology and do some apologizing of my own. Heh...I felt weird for a while now. Guess now I know why. And I thought I was just stressing about having Marlene (frameshop coordinator) at my shop all week! I don't know why I ignore my instincts sometimes! *SIGH* On second thought, scratch that. It's another selfpreservation thing...I won't lie. Great...It's gonna be a WONDERFUL day! Ugh! Can I please crawl under a rock somewhere, please?! Let's not do the day and say we did! Okay, okay...I'm going. Maybe work won't be so bad. Pray for me?

ghosts

2006-09-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

there's been a ringing

a constant ringing in my head

someone's been whispering

stop thinking my name

I know you're here

knew you were coming

before you said a thing

because I heard you

you were in my head

the mind can forget,

the heart can forgive

but the body will

always remember

always

I'm on that edge again

stuck in time in one place

where memories collide

with the present

and I realize

You will NEVER be gone

we're holding on too tightly

cross post

2006-09-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

*sigh* Ahh...Sade....
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

"this may come, this may come as some surprise...but I miss you . I can see through all of your lies, but still I miss you...he takes her love, but it doesn't feel like mine...he tastes her kiss...her kisses aren't mine. They are not mine. He takes, but surely she can't give what I feeling now. She takes, but surely she doesn't know how...Is it a crime...is it a crime...that I still want you....and I want you to want me too...my love is wider...wider than Victoria Lake...my love is taller...taller than the Empire state and it dives and it jumps and it ripples like the deepest ocean...I can't give you more than that. Surely you want me back....Is it a crime...is it a crime...I still want you and I want you to want me too....my love is wider than Victoria lake Taller than the Empire state Dives...jumps...I can't give you more than that...Surely you want me back....is it a crime...is it a crime? That I still want you...and I want you to want me too....It dives jumps and it ripples like the deepest oceans...surely you want it back...tell me.....is it.....a....crime......"

I wish I'd have written this. The words...oh, the words....*sigh*...brings to surface so many deeply imbedded emotions. Strange what words can do.....

Words II

Words....such power
you bring forth the sting
of a love that builds
and breaks me

you move and shake me

words...lies or truths
power beyond comprehension
and I bow and bend
before you...for you

you are the strength
I hold...cling to...
within me
you mold and set me free....

*See?! I told you...I was able to let go for a while and write! Praise be to words!*

Words

2006-09-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

Take these words
and mold them 'neath
the heat
of your wandering hands

I give them to you
like a lover gives
of herself

take me

Press them to your lips
and whisper softly
so they fall unfettered
upon the sunwarmed skin
of my shoulder

And I
will gather them up
and cradle them against
my heart

confused

2006-09-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

*sigh* It's been one of those days that challenge one physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel extremely sensitive and a little sad. I've run into so many people and made such wonderful friends and then I find something out that just disturbed me and made me feel betrayed, actually. To those who've known me for a while, or have read me for a while, do I come off as someone ingenuine? Have I ever given the impression of being unreal or a person with their own agenda? I know that there are those out there who have been hurt because they were too trusting. I happen to be one of those people, but that has never changed the fact that I still trust. I'm just a little more cautious. Does that make sense? I mean, when people are kind to me or ask me a favor, I don't automatically assume they're trying to make money off of me or hurt me in any way or that I'm going to be used. At least I don't think I do. Geez.

I should probably just forget about it, but the person who doubted me, I consider a very close friend. Perhaps it was just while they were in the thick of drama that they mistrusted? I just don't know. Regardless, I just have to keep believing and hoping in the greater good of the world. Otherwise, I'll end up to be a haggard old hermit without any friends or real connections. I just can't see myself that way. You know...I'll just say my little prayers and everything will be fine. I know it will.

Breathe and let go.......

what a busy day.

2006-08-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

Well...today officially marked the end of the summer for me. I took the kids to the beach for the last time and Rich and Rose both registered for the new school year. I must say that this summer was just unusually short for me. I just started having fun with my kids again and now it's over!! Geez! Where the time goes, I just don't know.

*sigh* I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately. I don't know if it's because the kids are going back to school or the fact that we're trying to push all the holiday items out in our store. Perhaps a little of both...and the fact that the empath in me is going a little nutso again. I'm getting those strange waves of energy again and I can't shake it. Damn thing has me all turned around. I can't seem to think straight. *shakes her head* I need another vacation, only this time it has to last at least 4 full days. Ugh...jetsetting just doesn't sit well with me. lol Until then, however, I must deal with these overwhelming thoughts// dreams// feelings... Gosh, I'm tired. Think I'll try to write something else. Good night folks. You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

omg!! finally!!

2006-08-31T02:34:00.000-07:00

I was able to login the NORMAL way after two freaking weeks!! Please let this last. Okay, so I haven't posted much on the count of writers block, frustration with the site and just plain being busy. I really should be asleep coz I have to go to Rich's registration first thing in the morning, but insomnia will do funny things to ya. So...here I am posting something new AND something silly. My friend, Wanda, sent this to me. Had me rolling on the floor. Read on and you'll see why :-)

One day, while going to the bookstore, a preacher passed a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. He
thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on his way to the
bookstore.

On his return trip, He passed the same nursing home with the same six
old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time his curiosity got the best of
him and went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are six
ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a
yard sale."

*snicker* told ya!

Now....for the "something new"!

Walk Through Yesterday
8/31/06

I counted the stars
as they came out

and connected them

with imaginary lines
until the sky was so full
I could not longer see

It brought me back
to sleepless nights
and moonbeams
lying on the soft, green grass

We stood here before,

you and I,

as dusk fell
and the skies lit up
with a trillion tiny fireflies

But, you were the one
that blinded me

your essence filled the heavens
so that angels fell
drunk

and so did I

once

a bittersweet lifetime ago
But I smile now
as I walk through yesterday

and remember what
we were before

what the heck, man?!

2006-08-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to log into this damn blog. I've had to log in via comments on other blogs in order to post something. Grr....I don't want to give up this blog, but irritations like this, well, it's just not something I need nor want! *sigh* It's bad enough to have writers block, but when the need hits you, and you can't even post makes it all the worse. Sorry if that was totally incorrect grammatically, but this is how unmotivated I am. I don't even have the slightest bit of inclination to fix it (LIES....It bugs, but I don't have time to fix it at the moment.) I just want to write.

Work is kicking my butt. The closer we get to the holidays, the busier we get. It's a good and bad thing. It means job security to me, coz I'm doing exactly what I said I would, which is bringing back business to the frameshop. But, on the same token, I'm so tired of working for someone else. Ugh....we're never really satisfied. At least, not at this moment. I'm feeling the time crunch. The end of the summer is near and that means running around like a maniac again. It's been a mostly relaxing summer and I hope to hold onto it for as long as I can. Weather permitting, I'll continue to go to Laguna Beach on Thursdays alone. I've felt so relaxed....

Well, I better get. Mike just called. Gonna chat for a bit!

fireworks

2006-08-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

Every evening (9:30 p.m.) I hear the fireworks show from Disneyland. Some nights it's more noticeable than others, like tonight. I think the wind was blowing in our direction. *sigh* I love fireworks. Brings out the kid in me.

There was one fireworks show in particular that I remember. Richie's bday is the 4th of July, so he gets fireworks every year. On his sixth bday, we threw him a bday party and after dinner, the entire family, all 24 of us, went to Heritage park in Irvine, just across the street from our townhome to watch the fireworks display. It was just craziness seeing so many people at the park at once. Everyone was there. Anyway, we found a spot where we could plant our very LARGE group and waited for the display. It was a wonderful evening. When the finale' was taking place, all the huge bursts of color exploding left and right, we sang happy birthday to Rich. Even people in the crowd (people we didn't know) started singing and at the end of the show we all wished him a really loud HAPPY BIRTHDAY. omg...seeing the happiness and glow on his face was just breathtaking. I thank God for giving me children and allowing me memories just like this.

gun-metal gray/or sepia.....

2006-08-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

I'm conducting a little experiment. I wanted to see how many hits my myspace profile would get just by changing my profile pic. In a mere 24 hour period my page was hit over 100 times. That's the most I've ever seen it jump. And, I believe it's because of the photo I used. My dear friend Wanda, who's a prof. photographer, took this great photo of me in black and white and I gave it to my husband for our anniversary. Anyway, I found it interesting how looks affect this so much...bizarre, really. I'm just ignorant. But, I still found the outcome interesting. I'm gonna change it back to a different one next week. Why I use myself for experiments is beyond me, but I just do. Sometimes, I'm just hoping against the normal compulsion for human reaction, I guess, But, like I said, I'm just ignorant that way. heh...now that I've written a lot about nothing, I'll let you go!

myspace cross-post. A day at the beach

2006-08-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

Laguna Beach...not just a tv show...
Current mood: jubilant
Category: Blogging

Went to the beach with the kids today. We picked up the best sandwiches from Ralph's, brought a grip o' Gatorade and went on our way. Stopped at my bro-in-laws shop (in Laguna Canyon) and picked up my nephews' Anthony and Giovanni and headed off to Laguna Beach. Oh my gosh. What an absolutely gorgeous day today! The sky was the clearest blue I've seen in a long time. The temp was perfect and the water was awesome. The sun was a little stronger than the past few days we'd gone, so, um, let's just say I'm a little darker than I was the last! Yikes! lol

I even brought the digital to get some shots of our fun in the sun. Luckily, I got some really great pics of the kids just before the camera started acting up! Ugh...I really need a new camera. After it started fartin' around, I resorted to using Rose's disposable and a shot of my camera phone. Thank goodness for other forms of technology! As a matter of fact, I'm uploading pics into photobucket as I type! I'm gonna put up another film loop. These pics are fun! Anyway, I just wanted to share. These photo's just made me happy :-)

yeah...this is me! But only to those that "GET" it! lol

2006-08-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny.
Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it.
And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

If Wishes Were Diamonds

Just wanted to share some wedding photos. It was a perfect day

wedding countdown

It's been a while since I've been here

two sides to every coin

Back to life...continuation

moving forward...

Back to life...the beginning of a love story

a change in gear...

Okay...so, it's been almost two months.

Well hello there...my it's been a long long time.

Torrential downpour

When "Happy" makes you sad.

Saturday afternoon....August 18, 2007

too damn tired

taking a break from cleaning

You are The Empress

this is so me...

trying to let go

What Kind of Panties Are You?

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

What planet should I rule...this is kinda true :-)

Am I an "It Girl"....supposedly

Love's Pagan Embrace

a letter to love

oh hell

rollercoaster ride

celebrity look-alike

just got back

Waiting for the sleep to kick in

new....

TONIGHT!!!

one more thing

lost my mind

The damn broke...

bleck....

MOVING FORWARD!

another crosspost

a thought on Mother's Day/crosspost

*sigh*

Cross post from myspace/consumed

broken

sick as a dog.

pain

So much to update...here's the deal

things that I just couldn't say....

The big pay-off...a crosspost

bored and unmotivated...

trials and tribulations

The cloud has been lifted...sort of

PROMISE OF LIGHT

I've been neglecting my poor blog....

And, this is....revised

not an easy task

January 7th!!

sometimes

....

....

Another year older

holiday strife

Fucked-up kind of wonderful

Un-make me/revised

Spoken Funk...cross post from myspace

*wink*

expletive

Wishing

Breathe/revised

Breathe

bleh...

is this true? hmm...you be the judge

More insanity!

Halloween...it's not just for kids!

insomnia

Within

PARTY RULES!

Connections

shadowed

blather

proud mama

prepare

sigh

wink

sigh empath overdrive